Chase's journey
by emmiswe
Summary: Starts with 17 year old Chase, how he deals with his mother's drinking, his father's new wife and later going away to Med School.
1. Chapter 1

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_. Hi guys and thank you for reading my story! Not making any money here, just another fan. _

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Right outside Sydney, there was a 17 year old boy sitting in his room in front of his computer. His room was at the top floor of the big house and through the window you could see a beautiful garden. Robert Jonathan Chase was waiting for his father to pick him up. They would celebrate his birthday (that had occurred three weeks ago). He was just about to turn off the computer when he heard a knock on the door from downstairs.

"I'll take it", he yelled to let his mom know that she didn't need to answer. He didn't want her to answer, but too late . . .

"Rowan, what the hell are you doing here?" Victoria asked, dressed in a not ironed dirty old dress.

The man in front of her took a step back from her alcoholic breath. Rowan had, since the divorce two years ago, tried to avoid meetings with his ex-wife as much as possible. All the negotiations had been dealt with through a lawyer, he hadn't quarreled over the alimony or she keeping the house. He told himself he didn't feel guilty for the way she lived and that it wasn't that bad. Ok, she didn't have a job, but she didn't have to, he provided all the money she needed . . . So he couldn't see his son every day, he hadn't done that before the divorce either. It was a shame, he missed the boy sometimes, but Robert had chosen to live with his mother, despite Rowans offer to live with him and his new wife, Caroline. Maybe it was for the best to let his son live where he wished. But sometimes that opinion was hard to hold on to, especially while seeing the boy's mother in this state. However, he pretended he didn't notice. "Hello Victoria, I'm here to pick up Robert."

Victoria didn't react too well. "The hell you are! since when? Did you suddenly decide that you wanted to be a dad now?" She slurred a little bit and had a hard time focusing on her ex-husband. She turned by the sound of Robert coming down the stairs, dressed in a green shirt and beige trousers. "You're going out?" She made an effort to talk straight, which made her voice shiver a little, making it sound even more hurt.

"Mom, we talked about this. I would eat with dad and then come home, remember?" He said with a quiet patient voice.

"On a Wednesday?"

"Mom, it's Saturday." He said, his voice even lower.

"Are you sure? I thought . . . well, don't be to late . . . homework and school and all that." She said looking at Rowan as to show him that she could take care of her son. Robert looked at his father, begging him with his eyes not to say anything to embarrass his mother. But Rowan just started to walk towards his car.

"See you later, mom. Don't wait up" Knowing that she probably would have passed out by the time he returned, Robert kissed his mum and went after his dad.

* * *

It was a fancy restaurant. Robert remembered birthdays and anniversaries being celebrated with the family. It used to be his favorite. When they had ordered Rowan tried to make conversation, but it mostly turned out as awkward small talk.

"So, Robert, how's school?"

"Fine, I'm doing well in most of the subjects." Robert replied without any enthusiasm and barely making eye contact with his father.

"Good, that's good and do you spend a lot of time with your friends?"

"I guess."

Rowan sighed. "Robert, I'm sorry about your birthday. I meant to call but I had a surgery that went over time and it became really late and . . ."

"Don't worry about it." Another awkward silence

"Liked your present?" Rowan remembered the stereo his wife had shown him before sending it to his son. Apparently, it was the best on the market and every teenage boy wanted one. He hadn't thought much about it, but had added some hundreds on the boy's trust fund.

"Yeah, the stereo is great." Robert thought of when the stereo had arrived and how his mom had gone on and on about how his awful father just tried to silence his bad conscience and tried to buy his love, even though she had been drunk and slept through most of his birthday.

"Wish for a car next year?" Rowan smiled and actually managed to get a small smile back.

"Maybe, I don't know. I haven't got a driver's license yet."

"But you're taking classes, right? Rowan asked feeling embarrassed over how little he knew about his son's life. He didn't have a clue, not even of the most basic things.

"Nah, well I started just that I don't have that much time . . ."

"Well if there any financial problems just let me know."

"Sure" Why not? That was the only way his dad took any part in his life: financially.

A chubby waitress with a nice smile saved them from another awkward silence. They ate their meals and talked some more. Rowan asked his son some more about his school and Robert asked his father about work at the hospital and his new book. Nothing too personal. When they were done Rowan asked if he wanted dessert.

"No thanks, I . . . Dad, is it ok if we leave now? I promised mom not to be too late" For a brief moment Robert wondered why he bothered lying when they both knew the real reason. Then he remembered 'right, we're playing convenient reality', he thought bitterly.

"Sure, just let me pay."

* * *

Rowan drove them back to the house, where the lights were all off, except in the living room. Robert knew that either meant that his mother was still up or that she had passed out on the couch; he had learned to expect the latter.

"Hope you had a good time, Robert. I wish we could do this more often." As soon as the word had left his mouth, he regretted them, fully aware who was to blame for the scarceness of their moments together.

"Yeah, me too . . . You want to come in?" Robert asked already knowing the answer.

"I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Ok, bye" Robert was about to open the door.

"Robbie, I . . . are you sure you still want to live here. I know I'm not home a lot, but at least at my place you wouldn't have to . . ." He stopped himself before he did anything stupid, like comparing Victoria to his new wife.

Robert refused to look at him. He hates the concern in his father's voice. 'It's not real, if it were, he wouldn't have left mom, then he would be taken care of her, of us'. "Mom needs me, I'm her son, and at least you used to be her husband. You left and . . . I need to take care of her."

Rowan sighed heavily "Robert, you're 17, you're not supposed to . . ."

"Don't worry about me, it should be easy for you, just do what you normally do" he said and left the car.

"Robbie!" His father yelled and he turned.

"Yeah?" Robert spat, staring into his father's eyes, challenging him to continue.

"Love you, son." And with that Robert ran back and hugged his father. He almost started to cry.

"I miss you, dad."

"I know and I miss you too." Then the doctor's beeper went off, hospital emergency. And with that he drove away leaving his son to deal with his alcoholic mother.

* * *

TBC

_Hope you liked it! please review!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi, finally I continue, sorry that it took so long_

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"And who can tell me what affect this had on the rate of unemployment?"

Robert had always considered himself a good student, attentive and thorough in his studies. Before the divorce it had been the only way to get his father's attention (something that now was next to impossible) and he knew that if he stopped now, the teachers would call his mother and find out about his situation at home. But when Mr. Gardner for the third lesson in a row found it necessary to discuss the consequences of the Depression during the thirties, even Robert started to doze off.

"Robert" a soft voice whispered from the desk behind him.

He turned around and saw Liz smiling at him. Last year he had had a crush on her, but had never dared to do more than talk to her a little between classes. She was cute, had blue eyes and was for some reason always wearing something purple with matching accessories in her dark blonde hair.

"Yeah, what?" he whispered back.

"Could this be more boring?" she giggled a little before continuing "Wanna do something after school?"

"Like what?" he asked, surprised that she would ask him out.

"Can't a journalist for the school paper just ask the star of the school's swim team for an interview?" she winked at him.

Robert hesitated, not liking the idea of leaving his mother alone longer than necessary. Once he had come home after a party, only to find his mother asleep in the bath with her cloths on and the water still running. Another time he had walked in on his mom smashing a bottle against the door (he later found out his dad's secretary had called). But he still wanted to have some sort of a normal life. Why shouldn't he go out with Liz? After all, his mother managed fine most of the time, if you could consider calmly passing out on the couch or the bed as fine. "Ok" he answered with a shy smile.

"Excellent! Meet me at Princess at four"

'Princess' was a quiet cosy place near the school. It was a place you went with a boyfriend or girlfriend, Robert mused. He figured it would be a great afternoon.

* * *

He spent the rest of the day pondering over their meeting. Should he pay for what they ordered? What would he talk about? However, when he got there, Liz was already waiting for him with two cups of steaming coffee. It was a little bit awkward at first, but soon they found out that they both liked music and action movies, and the conversation started to flow. Robert tried to avoid the subject of his family and after he had muttered something about a tough divorce, she didn't push him. Liz was more open about herself and really liked to talk. She told him about her cat, her annoying younger sister and her dreams of becoming a journalist.

"I can't believe that it's not even a year left to graduation. Do you know what you will do next? Continue your swimming career? You know you're the best swimmer this school's got."

He blushed a little, not used to get so much credit from pretty girls "Thanks, but I don't really know. I would like to guide people, help them, you know?" For the last year he had spent a lot of time in the church. Father Harrison, the minister in the church in his neighbourhood had become the only friend he could really talk to and Robert admired him more than he admired anyone else.

"I totally get what you mean, I watch Oprah all the time. She's like the best! Sorry, girl talk, but helping people sounds great. You're dad is a doctor right?"

"Yeah, but I don't . . . I would like to guide people . . . but not like Oprah" he smiled and pushed her playfully.

"You're a sweet guy, Robert, you know that?" Liz smiled and reached for his hand over the table.

They continued to talk for hours and it felt great. They talked about the future, places they wanted to see, things they wanted to do. With Liz Robert didn't have to talk about the past or the present, she was just as stuck in thinking of the future as he was. Not until Robert looked at the clock he noticed that he had been sitting there for two and a half hour. He needed to get home. He said good bye to a slightly disappointed Liz, promised to call her later and hurried off.

* * *

As he ran to the bus, he thought about how great the last hours had been. For once he had forgotten about his crappy family and had just had fun with a friend like a normal teenager. His mother was probably fine, perhaps she had passed out on the couch again, but on the other hand, maybe she hadn't. Maybe she for once had put on the cloths he every morning placed on top of her bureau or eaten the breakfast he'd set for her. Father Harrison had told him to have faith, but he still ran to the bus and ran to the front door. He fumbled with the keys, but finally got in.

"Mom, I'm home! Mom?!"

He went into the living room and saw her lying on the leather couch in front of the television where Oprah talked about anorexia. She looked as if she was sleeping. "Hi mom, how . . ." He stopped when he realized she wasn't breathing. The first thing he tried to do was wake her up by shaking her, when that didn't help he called 000 and almost screamed to the poor girl answering that his mother wasn't breathing and that he needed an ambulance. The ambulance arrived within seven minutes, during that time Robert had tried to perform CPR and had repeated 'Our Father' six times. Two strong people lifted his mom on a litter and tried to reassure him that everything would be alright. When they asked him if he had someone he could call, he hesitated for a second.

"No, not really. Can't I come with?" there was no time for arguing so they let the boy follow without any further questioning.

Five hours later, when he knew his mother was out of any immediate danger, he tried to call his father, Rowan's secretary picked up and informed him that his father was in a meeting and could be disturbed, would he like to leave a message? Hadn't the phone been attached to the wall, he would probably have thrown it to the ground, now he had to settle with just hanging up on her. He considered calling to his father's home, but instead he dialled a number he knew by heart. Father Harrison had told him that he could call anytime. The priest answered after three signals and almost crying Robert tried to explain the situation.

"Have faith, my son. Pray for her and I will do the same, with God's help she will be nursed back to health. Remember He is always there for you and so am I. Call me when she gets better." Father Harrison excused himself and hanged up.

'This is all my fault. I should have gone straight home. I'm supposed to take care of her, some job I am making.' He thought and looked at his mother. She had had her stomach pumped and was now fast asleep. "I'm sorry, mom. I promise I'll do better in the future. I will be here for you, just please wake up". Then he curled up in her bed and fell asleep next to her. He never called Liz.

* * *

His mother was released the next day and they took a cab home where everything was just as they had left it and Robert shivered by the look of the couch and the bottles. His mother was calm, almost apathetic.

"I'm tired" was the only thing she said before disappearing into her bedroom, while Robert started to clean up.

An hour later he went to check up on his mom and to see if she wanted something to eat. He found lying on her bed staring at the ceiling.

"Mom? Are you ok? Do you want something?" he asked as he approached her.

"I'm a bad mother" she whispered and he noticed that she had tears in her eyes.

"No, mom . . . who said that?" he sat down on the bed and took her hand.

"I-I talked . . . with sister Norah. About the divorce and, and about you. She said that . . . I don't know, maybe I am a bad mother, perhaps you would be better off if . . . I can't lose you, Robbie!" Now she was sobbing and devastated he hugged her.

"You're not going to lose me, mom, never. Don't care about what sister Norah said, what does she know? It's going to be ok, I promise" he tried to calm her. 'I hate that nun' he thought and hold his mother until she fell asleep.

He tried. He did everything he could; he continued to make sure that she always had fresh cloths and something to eat, he quit the swimming team and made sure to always go home straight after school. He was still good in school, he couldn't afford to let any of the teachers noticing any differences in that era and he told his swim coach that he needed more time studying. Sometimes he saw Liz in the corridore, but he just couldn't go out with her, not after what happened last time. Who know's what would had happened if he had come home just ten minutes later? Besides, she was still mad at him for not calling

The only sign of life from his father was the pay check. His father hadn't called to see how his ex-wife was or how his son managed. Robert wasn't that surprised, but it hurt and he learned that he had to ignore his dad, the same way his dad ignored him. The only father he had now was Father Harrison. He was the only one he could talk to and sometimes he came by and visited. And the only time Robert did something outside school was when he went to the church; to pray and to talk.

Victoria was quite ignorant about the changes her son made in his life. She did noticed however that he seemed to be home a little bit more than before and she felt ashamed. She thought of her own parents, two lawyers that never had time for her. They hadn't noticed what she was doing in school, who she hung out with or when she came home wasted from parties. Although they had paid for her destructive lifestyle during her years in college and some of her years as a failed actress/model, Rowan had been the one saving her. She had met him at a party which she had attended with her current boyfriend. They fell in love, got married and had a beautiful baby boy. Then he too abandoned her. She had failed with everything and worst of all; she had failed, Robbie. Fortunately, that sort of feelings could disappear with a couple of glasses of wine. Why stint? Rowan was paying!

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_Hope you liked it! Any comments?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello again!_

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"Graduation, this is the day we send you to find your way in our great world. And I'm sure many of you will accomplish great things" The principal for Betula High School began his speech. Knowing their principal the students prepared themselves for a long, long wait.

Robert was sitting in the front row among the rest of his year which last names began with either A, B or C. It was a good day. The sun was shining, not a cloud in sight and he was saying good bye to teachers, homework and tests. He looked around and studied the fellow graduates, those who he probably would meet again and those who he wouldn't see until reunion, even though everyone had been running around school saying things like "Let's stay in touch" and "I know we never talked much, but . . ." What was up with all this sentimentality? Of course, Robert had smiled back and nodded when people said those sorts of things to him, but he hadn't cried his eyes out over leaving. Sometimes people left, sometimes people said good bye, and it was just the natural order of life, nothing to cry for.

"This is a day you will remember, that your family, friends and relatives will remember"

At that point Robert looked further back where the families were seated and eventually found his mother. He couldn't help but smile. She was dressed in a very elegant white dress, her blonde hair had been washed and styled and right now she was smiling at him as she listened attentively to what the principal had to say. The image of her was the image he remember from a happier time, a different time, when they used to be a real family. But deep down he knew the image was only momentary and that it only had been possible thanks to the man sitting next to her, Father Harrison.

Rowan had called and said that he was sorry, but couldn't make it; he was needed at the hospital. Robert had expected as much, but it had still stung when Father Harrison told him. Although his dad couldn't come, he had still been thoughtful to send him a graduation gift. Father Harrison had been asked to pass on a Porsche that would be waiting for him as soon as he had picked out the colour. Robert sighed heavily, his father had forgotten that his son hadn't taken the classes necessary for a driving licence.

Finally their beloved principal, principal Reed, started to call the names and so "Robert Chase". Robert walked up and received his diploma and pride overwhelmed him. This was his achievement, his success and his moment and no father would spoil that!

Afterwards he approached his mother and Father Harrison who both greeted him with hugs and Father Harrison had flowers.

"They're not from me, they came with a delivery" he explained.

Robert read the card "Congratulations, Robert", signed by his stepmother, his father and for some reason his stepsister, although it had clearly been one person writing it rather than three and it wasn't his father's handwriting. He quickly hid the card from his mother and started to think about plans for the evening. It was supposed to be a party later on, arranged by two of his class mates, Antonia and her boyfriend Matthew, but he didn't know whether he would go. Father Harrison interrupted his thoughts.

"I assume there will be some sort of celebration now after the ceremony" he smiled and gave Robert a knowing look.

"Yes, but I . . ." Robert looked over at Victoria who was sitting on a bench looking tired. She hadn't had a drink for hours and felt the need for one increase by the second.

"Don't worry about your mother, I take her home and wait up with her. Don't be home too early" he said knowing the social sacrifices Robert had made.

* * *

Robert went to the party and let himself be sucked in to the emotional explosion that was going on. People celebrated that it was all over, people cried because their time together was over and everywhere people were making out or drinking. Robert was standing next to a sofa where a couple was making out, the guy had lost his shirt and the girls skirt continued further up her legs. Somebody knocked in to him and spilled out his drink, when he turned he saw it was Janice. They had had math together, but he didn't know her very well. He had heard some guys talking about her, that she was cute but easier than a first grader's math test. He noticed that her short dress had several stains and her wavy dark hair was loose and fell over her bare shoulders. She threw her arms around him, clearly drunk and with the same enthusiasm he had seen in so many of his class mates.

"I'm going to miss you Re-Ra-Robert, right? Is this a great party or what?! But hey, your glass is empty. Come on!" she yelled over the music and dragged him towards a keg.

Robert hesitated, he knew he didn't want to end up like the guy puking in the stairs or come home too drunk to Father Harrison "Janice, I don't know if. . . Are you ok?" he asked as he supported her with his arm, preventing her from falling.

"You're like so sensitive!" She slurred and kissed. He felt her tongue storming his mouth and could taste the alcohol.

Without removing her lips from his, she led him towards a door and when she opened it, it revealed an empty bedroom. She pushed him down on the blue coverlet and began to remove his shirt. Robert didn't know what to do. Sure, he had made out with girls before, but that had been girls he'd known. Janice was barely more than a stranger and he didn't quite know where this was going. In the meantime, his hands seemed to move by themselves, they were on her back, in her dark hair. It felt good and the few bears he had drunken before started to kick in, but when her hands started to remove his jeans, he grabbed them. First he was afraid that he had ruined the moment, but when he looked up at her face, she just smiled and her brown eyes sparkled. She leaned down and whispered.

"It's ok, I'll be gentle" she joked and nuzzled his neck.

"Janice, I don't . . ." He stopped. He didn't what? Didn't want her? His entire body told him otherwise, she was nice and beautiful and he sort of knew her, a little, kind of. Why not?

Janice thought that he was about to mention the word condom and didn't care to stop. "Don't worry about that, I'm on the pill. Now, let's have some fun!"

* * *

_Love it? Hate it? Any suggestions?_


	4. Chapter 4

Robert woke up several hours later by two hands forcefully shaking him. He looked up and noticed that it was Matthew.

"Robert? Antonia told me that Janice had said she had been with Roger. What are you doing here?" he asked as he walked around the room collecting Robert's clothes and throwing them at him. "She had sex with you? You guys had sex? Nice! Can't say you were the only ones though, Antonia has been running around finding people in weirdest places. Can you believe two people had sex in the bathtub? And not just any people, Jackson and Charlie!"

Robert was now fully dressed and very confused. "Where is Janice?"

Matthew suddenly felt awkward and looked through the bedroom window "Oh, she left about two hours ago with Jesse Brooks. Sorry mate, but you know how she is."

"I thought . . . Maybe she just . . ." Robert said uncertain both of what he thought and what Janice 'just' might have done. Matthew wasn't uncertain at all.

"Left with her ex while you were sleeping? Sorry, but face it, she left you and you better leave too before Antonia finds you. She was furious at Charlie and Jackson and by the way, did you tell your parents that you would be spending the night out? Because, the clock is 6.30 and then I mean a.m. I for one would like some sleep, but Antonia won't let me until everyone is gone."

Robert didn't know what to do or what to feel. Janice had left him there sleeping to leave with her ex. Had she just used him? Or had he used her? After all, she had been the wasted one. Should he have tried to stop her? Didn't he do that? It was hard to remember all the details from the night, but he thought that he had tried to stop her. He was about to walk through the door when he turned to Matthew "She didn't say anything? Left a message?"

"Nah, sorry, I mean, I didn't speak to her, but . . . Hey, Rob, how was it? Is she as good as everyone says?" When Robert just stared at him, he continued. "Oh, I get it. A gentleman never tells. It's ok, just, please don't tell Antonia I asked you that. She would freak."

"Sure" Robert's mind was miles away.

"Thanks mate! Ok, good bye, finally free, yeah. See you around"

Robert wasn't sure what to think when he left Antonia's house. Why didn't she wait for him or at least wake him up? He looked at the sky, it was grey and heavy rain drops were falling down on him; God was mad. He didn't know how to deal, he had never had "the talk" with anyone, just joked around with some friends. Should he tell anyone? Matthew knew, so then Antonia would probably found out and she was the biggest source of gossip that the school had had. What should he tell Father Harrison, he was his confessor after all? And would Father Harrison still be at home 6.45 in the morning? He hurried home.

When he came home, Father Harrison wasn't there, but a nun called Sister Michaela had been sent by him to check on Victoria. Sister Michaela was a brunette woman in her late 40's and was not happy to be sent to an upper class alcoholic woman 4.30 am when there were poorer, more deserving people who needed her. By the time Robert came home, she had talked to Victoria about crimes, poverty, charity and the duty of helping people less fortunate, all while subtly hinting that Robert was very irresponsible being out so late (or early) and what sort of upbringing had led to this behaviour? When Robert sneaked through the front door, Victoria was almost hysterical, convinced that her son had joined a criminal gang and would get himself killed. All because of her, she was after all a bad mother.

"Robert Jonathan Chase! Where have you been?! I've been worried sick!" she took him in her arms and he could smell alcohol on her breath. He sighed, figuring she had been drinking to calm her nerves due to his disappearing.

"I'm sorry mom. I was at the party and I fell asleep." Robert tried to calm her, but didn't miss the knowing look Sister Michaela sent his mother before she disappeared through the door. "I hate that nun" he thought before helping his mother to her bed.

Two weeks later Father Harrison asked him to meet him in his office. Robert liked visiting that office, it reminded him off the time when his as a little boy quietly played in his father's office, the few times he worked from home. Father Harrison smiled at him and gestured him to sit down. They exchanged some polite phrases about weather, health and Victoria. Then there was a small silence before Father Harrison continued.

"I wonder, Robert, if you have been thinking of the future?"

Robert hesitated before answering. He thought of the talks at school about where they all would be in ten years. He hadn't participated that much. As a kid he wanted to become a doctor, before his father had walked out on them. Now all he knew about his future was that he would take care of his mother. He therefore only mumbled something that he didn't know. Father Harrison gave him another smile.

"I can't help but notice that you have an interest in the church. Have you ever considered joining us as more than a member of the community? We need more young people and there would be no problem for me putting in a good word for you at our seminary"

Robert just looked at the man in front of him. The man he admired so much and that cared about him more than anyone else; the man that he always could talk to and had helped him with his mother. He now saw the anticipation in that man's eyes and why not become a priest? Nothing else had helped his mother, his prayers hadn't been answered, maybe this was the sacrifice God asked of him to help his mother. Robert also knew there was no other place that made him feel so calm and so at home as the church and he wouldn't have to move that far away from his mother. He decided this was his calling and he would make his Father proud.

"I know you're thinking about your mother, but you would be able to see her quite often and I would make sure that someone looks after her."

"If I can help to serve our Lord, I'll be happy to". Robert felt numb, as if he had just accepted an inevitable faith. It felt like he should be happy, his future was set. But deep inside of him there was a black hole eating him up, a small voice mischievously whispering "this won't help her, nothing will and what is daddy going to say when he finds out you let him down?"

"Wonderful, I'll make the calls and you can start after the summer" Father Harrison said and tried to hide his worry with his enthusiasm. He cared about the boy in front of him and wanted the best for him. He knew he hadn't been able to have the childhood a child needs, or the social life most teens crave, at least the seminary would perhaps provide some security and stability in the boy's life. When the young boy left his office he thought about the promise to look after the boy's mother. Sure he could send over a Sister once in a while, but he doubted that would help. Victoria was a grown up woman and no one could force her to change. Still, he would pray for her, as he would pray for her son.


	5. Chapter 5

_Hi everyone and thanks for your feedback! Sorry it has taken a while to update, been on holiday without computer. Now I hope to be able to update more frequently. __Hope you're enjoying the story so far. _

'

Victoria couldn't have been happier when she heard the news of her son's plans for the future. Robert brought up the subject one morning when he knew his mother had had a long night sleep without passing out the night before. Even though her sober moments were rare and far in between, Robert had been good at discovering them and sometimes even create them. This morning Victoria had come down to the kitchen where Robert had prepared a big brunch. Victoria had never been good with food, neither making nor eating, but when she remembered to consider her son's feelings she tried to make him happy, so she tried to eat what he put in front of her. While she picked in his scrambled eggs and artistic sandwiches he explained his wish of becoming a priest.

Victoria immediately stopped eating, rose and walked over to her son to embrace him. "That's fantastic, Robbie! I'm so happy for you." She had always been afraid that her son would want to become a doctor like his dad, that she would lose him to Rowan. For her this was a personal triumph since she had been the one insisting on a catholic wedding and catholic upbringing for their son. Rowan had never been the religious type.

Robert couldn't remember the last time he had hugged his mom without sensing alcohol and decided to remember this moment. His goal had been to make her happy, to help her get a better life, so far he seemed to succeed.

He didn't quite know how to break the news to his father. Not that he felt any duty to his father's wishes regarding his future, not at all, not one bit, maybe, just a little. He decided to send an email where he with stiff politeness thanked for the car and the flowers and just mentioned his plans. He had his answer three days later in the form of a letter in the mailbox, once again not from his father.

_Dear Robert, _

_How wonderful to hear that you have decided what to you want for yourself._ This is not my father's writing, Robert thought.

_To be a priest is most respectable and important and you will have the opportunity to help a lot of people._ Definitely not dad, if he isn't talking about being a doctor.

_We're glad you liked the car. Your father mentioned that you had been taking classes but wasn't sure if you had a driver's license or not. Since you probably want to be able to drive home from the seminary, we would love to help and sponsor the classes necessary for a license or, if you already have it, maybe sponsor a vacation trip somewhere. Just let us know._ Robert didn't know what surprised him the most – that his father with new wife actually discussed him or that they thought he was so easily bought.

_We're once again really sorry that we missed your graduation and hoped that you still had a fantastic day to remember. _

_Take care and good luck!_

The very last line seemed to have been written later than the rest of the letter and Robert wasn't sure if it was a different handwriting or not, just a simple line:

_PS Remember you're always welcomed to this house._

The sentence confused him, but he chose to ignore it, it didn't matter and he decided he never wanted to set a foot in their house. But he realized they were right about the utility of a driver's license and even though he didn't like it he called his father's secretary to leave a message that he needed money for a driver's license. The money came almost instantly to his account, without any message or phone call and that was that. He spent the rest of his summer taking the driver lessons and tried to evaluate whether his mother could handle him being away and only come home a couple of times a week.

But his mother seemed to be fine, it had always been easier during the summer. It was the time when many of her old friends dropped by and even though most of them didn't have the best influence on her drinking habits, they made her happy. Many of them were from her time as a failed actress/model and hadn't been allowed in the house when she was married to Rowan. That fact gave her a feeling of satisfaction when she now invited them to parties that Rowan had to pay due to the alimony. Robert liked some of them, but in spite of what they did to his mother's mood he could see why his father hadn't liked them. Especially one called Gary Pritchett, a semi known photographer, who had once been called the James Stewart to his mother's Grace Kelly by his mother's best friend. At the age of eight Robert had once during a party at home walked into the kitchen finding Gary's face suspiciously close to his mother's and he had hated the man ever since. Luckily he had moved to LA and Robert hadn't heard of him since. Until a hot day in August.

Gary Pritchett arrived in a red Ferrari knocked on the door and asked for Victoria. Robert, who had answered the door, gazed him up and down. Gary was still, at the age of 45, good looking and he had kept the smile that had made Rowan calling him "the weasel" while talking of him. When Robert didn't react to Gary's request, Gary got a slightly confused look in his handsome face.

"She does still live here, right? Who are you?"

"Mom's not dressed yet" Robert began but was cut off by Gary.

"Little Bob? My God, you have grown! Last time I saw you, you were about this tall" Gary said and placed his hand at the level of his stomach. "We all said that you would turn out a fox, you being so like your Vicki and all, speaking of . . ." Robert turned and with dread saw his mother walking down the stairs dressed only in a negligee

Victoria saw the man at the door and rushed passed her son. She threw her arms around the man, who dropped his bag and lifted her up swinging her around the room. "Gary! I can't believe it's you"

"Oh, but I can believe it's you, you're as beautiful as ever" Robert hated the sleek comment, sure Victoria still had most of her beauty intact, but the alcohol had stolen a lot of her looks and it had been at least ten years since they saw each other. Robert could still remember the satisfaction in his father's eyes when Victoria had told them that Gary was going to L.A. to work. "I've just finished a work in Sydney and figured I could drop by and say hi. Heard you got rid of Rowan, smart move, no offence Little Bob, I always knew you weren't meant to be. But now we could call a couple of old friends and have it just like old times, what about that?"

Robert couldn't believe the nerve this man had or how fast he talked or that he still called him Little Bob. He had hated the nickname as a child and ever since then he couldn't stand being called Bob or Bobby. In shock he heard how his mother said that it was a great idea and that they could call some friends the same afternoon.

_Don't know what you think of new characters, but I only bring people in if I find them necessary for the story._


	6. Chapter 6

_Everyone who has ever had writer's block knows what I've been through. Hopefully I'll be back now with full speed. Hope you'll enjoy the chapter_

To Robert's big surprise and relief Gary Pritchett wasn't the same party animal he'd been back in the days. When he talked about friends coming over it turned into a nice cocktail party in the afternoon without any destroyed furniture or people throwing each other into the pool, and all the guests had left before six.

When Gary suggested a night in Sydney it turned out he meant to see a concert at the Opera and dinner afterwards, not the crazy nights when Rowan had had to drag his wife home after a family friend at the fifth night club had called and said that it was probably time for Victoria to call it a night.

Victoria was happy, drank less and really made an effort to go back and be the woman she'd been years ago, the one without problems with alcohol and divorce lawyers. One morning Robert woke up and found his mother making breakfast, another day she said that they both needed some new clothes and that they should go out shopping. He saw her wear dresses he'd only seen her wearing in old photo albums and with less alcohol to suck the energy out of her, they could spend more time together like mother and son, with her taking care of him.

With all the positive changes, Robert didn't care that he had to share his mom with Gary, he could even forgive the "Little Bob" as Gary insisted on calling him and had turned to "LB" in public. After all it was Gary who took her all those places, made her meet nice people and always asked Robert if he wanted to join them. Robert was so grateful he was almost as welcoming as Victoria when Gary proposed the idea that he would stay for a couple of months; he was on vacation and couldn't think of a better way to spend it.

At that time Robert had taken his driver's license and had prepared to go to the seminary he decided to talk to Father Harrison, who greeted him with open arms, though a little surprised.

"I am happy to see you Robert, except for mass, I haven't seen you that much. How are you? How is your mother?"

Robert answered that they were both fine, better than in a long time. He briefly told him about Gary and that with all the changes in their life he would like to postpone his plans of the seminary.

Father Harrison was not fond of the idea, not one bit. He remembered last time Gary Pritchett had been around and that a little boy had several times come to his office, very upset, to talk about a weasel that made mom and dad fight more than usual. He asked the boy, who was now a little bit older, if he was sure of his decision.

"I'm sorry to let you down Father, but I just can't leave mom right now."

"I understand" was all the older man answered, but it wasn't the boy's worry he understood, rather the wish of finally having something that resembled of a normal life.

And for the next few months, that was what Robert got. He had no contact with his father or his stepmother, he went to church only on Sundays and spent the rest of his time with Gary and Victoria and contacted school friends and spend more time with them than he had done during the school years. Most of the time it was with Matthew and Antonia, Matthew had also been at the swim team and he and Robert had been pretty close, as close as Robert had let anyone be. Neither of the boys knew what they wanted to do. Robert decided to sign up for some diving lessons and later on he wanted to learn to play the guitar, Matthew joined him. Antonia just shook her head.

"You're nothing but two spoiled rich kids fooling around, while you should be thinking of the future" She had always wanted to become a journalist and had signed up for the program. It bothered her a little that her boyfriend couldn't be more interested in their future, but more often she let them drag her with them and enjoy their carefree ways. They went bowling, swimming and picnic together and it was during this time Robert met Hannah, Antonia's cousin.

Hannah was a redhead with dreams of becoming a marine biologist. She was smart and lived with her parents and three dogs about two miles from Robert's house. And with her Robert felt that his life fell into place. His mother was taken care of by Gary, he never found her passed out on the couch anymore, he had friends that he loved spending time with and he had a great girlfriend.

And with her everything went just right, as he had imagined that it should. They met at Antonia's and started talking almost immediately, he then asked Matthew what he knew about her and Matthew helped him getting her phone number. A couple of days later he had gathered enough courage to call and ask her out. They talked, they matched and even if he didn't tell her everything he told her more than he told most, about his father and the pressure he had lived under during the school years.

"I understand how you feel, my father always nags about me follow him and mom and becoming a lawyer. Could you picture me as a lawyer? I would just think them all idiots for committing crimes in the first place" They both laughed, he did a lot of that with her around. Then she continued. "But Gary isn't like that? All pushy?"

Robert looked at her and remembered when he had decided to introduce her to his mother and Gary. He hadn't let any of his friends talk to his mother in years, but since she had recovered so well, he considered her healthy enough to meet his girlfriend. Hannah was so impressed by the former doctor's wife and couldn't see why Antonia hadn't told her about Robert's elegant classy mother and her charming boyfriend. Robert had been thrilled, but now he was a little puzzled by her comment.

"No, I guess he isn't . . . It's pretty unusual for people to interfere with their friend's children's studies" Now it was Hannah's turn to look confused.

"Wait, so Gary and your mother . . . They're not together?"

"He's a family friend, Hannah and yes, they're close, but . . . I mean since dad left, mom hasn't . . . They are, aren't they"

Robert's first reaction was fury and for half a day he was back, hating Gary. Until he realized it was both stupid and unfair. They were happy, all three of them and they were closer to a family than him and his parents ever were. He had even talked to Gary about Hannah and thanks to Gary, Hannah and Robert had had what Robert considered a normal relationship with a normal development.

The first kiss – a nervous, but great moment in Antonia's living room. Fooling around – fun and exciting and soon made a habit. Meeting her parents – even more nervous than the first time he'd kissed her, but they turned out to be two friendly people. Robert was happy to win their approval, but Hannah was more excited that her dogs had accepted him. And then the first time they had sex, an afternoon in Hannah's room while her parents were away for a weekend conference. It hadn't been romantic music and scented candles, but it wasn't a drunken encounter between strangers. It was a little bit awkward, a little fumbled, and one of the greatest moments of Robert's life and afterwards, when they held each other under the sheets Robert returned the three words Hannah had whispered in his ear.

When his mom and Gary announced that they were together and that Gary would stay and take a couple of jobs in Sydney, Robert showed nothing but support and saw this as the beginning of a wonderful future. Though he had no real plans of what to do with it, he had become fairly good at the guitar and with Hannah's and Matthew's support he started to perform at open mike nights at different clubs. He was pretty good, people liked him and his boyish charm, even his mom and Gary came and listened every once in a while. And somehow his dad found out. Robert didn't hear from him, but a very expensive guitar arrived in time to his birthday. There was a card, but he didn't bother reading it. He had never cared less about his father's absence than now.

Matthew on the other hand had finally been forced to make certain decisions about his future. He and Antonia had had a big fight which had ended with a proposal and an overjoyed acceptance. That had been the ending of Matthew's hesitation and two weeks after he told Robert about the engagement he told him he would start studying medicine after Christmas.

"I've thought about it for a long time, but always dreaded going back to school. But if Antonia and I are going to be a family . . . I'm actually looking forward to it" Matthew sounded surprise by his own words.

"And you're sure she's not pregnant?" Robert joked

Matthew laughed but then put on a serious face "Hey, I'm going to be a doctor, I should know" They both laughed and toasted with their beers.

"Well, I honestly hope you'll be very happy. As a matter of fact, I'm sure of it" And Robert meant every word of it. As sad as he thought it was not being able to have fun with his friend no matter the hour of the day he was at least twice as happy that his friend had found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

A part of his brain even played with the thought that he could marry Hannah and since his mother had Gary, they could all live happily ever after. Now everything was fantastic, THIS was a real life.

How could he have known it was nothing but an illusion?

_Hope you liked it, r__eviews are great and I want to thank everyone that have taken thier time to do it_


	7. Chapter 7

"Nothing but an illusion"

And the illusion lasted over the holidays. Christmas Eve was with Gary and Victoria, but Christmas Day Robert spent with Hannah and her family. Her mother had made cookies and Hannah's dad talked to Robert about his great passion for fishing. Robert had never gone fishing in his life, but he enjoyed the conversation all the same, with hot coco in one hand and a homemade cookie in the other. Hannah had asked if Robert wanted to bring his mom, but Victoria and Gary had already made plans with some friends. Robert relaxed in the couch next to Hannah, who played with the golden heart around her neck that Robert had given her. She crept closer to her boyfriend and while her parents went for a walk, they stayed in for the rest of the day watching old movies on TV and all Robert could think was that he hoped it could be like this forever.

For New Year's Eve, Antonia had arranged a class reunion and planned to throw her biggest party so far.

"Isn't it a little bit soon" Robert asked Matthew as they were fixing the house before the party.

"Well, you know, Antonia and I are probably leaving soon. Who knows where everyone will be in a year? This is her way of saying good bye and you know . . ."

"Show the ring and the future doctor she will marry?" Robert joked and the boys shared a laugh as they rearranged the couches and moved anything made of glass or china.

Suddenly Matthew looked up at Robert "You might not know this, but you were pretty popular in school, despite your scarce socializing. People looked up to you, great at sport, excellent grades, a famous dad and a beautiful mom. I know we weren't that close, but . . ."

Robert flinched thinking that he hadn't had any closer friend than Matthew, he hadn't had the time. Matthew didn't seem to notice, but continued. "I guess what I want to say is that I'm glad we're such good friends now, shit, you're probably my best friend and . . . well . . . wouldyouliketobemybestman?"

"What? Matthew, breath!" Robert said and walked over to his friend.

Matthew took a deep breath "Would you like to be my best man?"

Robert couldn't believe it. "Really?" Matthew just nodded and Robert embraced his friend. "Of course! God! I had no idea you would marry so soon?"

Matthew smiled "Not until the summer, but Antonia has already started to plan everything and wanted me to decide ASAP" he said and started to carry a big vase towards the kitchen as he turned. "Janice will probably be at the party, just thought I would warn you".

The party was a great success and if Robert wouldn't have had to worry about Janice. She showed up with a guy in leather, stayed for 20 minutes and without showing any signs of wanting to talk to Robert, she disappeared on her boyfriend's motorbike. Robert noticed that almost every one of his old class mates had an idea what they wanted to do with their lives, whether it was work or studies. He himself still hadn't any real plans. He talked about this with Charlie, who had finally come out of the closet and was now officially dating Jackson.

"Come on, Rob. With your grades you can do anything." He took another drink "You know what should do? Jackson and I are going to Melbourne in a couple of weeks, just to see what happens, you should come"

"I don't know, I don't want to leave Hannah"

"What, you can't study marine biology in Melbourne? Come on! Matthew and Antonia are moving to Sydney, what would be wrong with you, Hannah and Melbourne?"

At the time Robert just laughed at the idea, but a part of him was thrilled about the idea, just playing with the thought. And why not, he could always mention the idea to Hannah, after all he had nothing planned and he knew that his future was with Hannah. They could always visit her parents and his mom and Gary every once in a while, yeah, the idea was certainly worth some consideration.

* * *

Later, Robert would think "If only" so many times a day he would get sick of the expression for all eternity. Because if only he had studied his mom a little bit closer instead of just relying on Gary, Robert would have noticed that his mother still got up in the night for a late drink.

If only he had decided to go out with them more often instead of spending all his time with Hannah and his friends, he would have seen how the arm Gary always put around his mother at the end of the evening was necessary for her to stand up straight, rather than evidence of affection. Then he could also have seen the worried looks and comments Gary would send his mother.

If only he hadn't let Hannah persuade him into going to her parents 25th anniversary party he would have been home and then . . . maybe he could have done something. It had been a great afternoon in January, meeting a lot of Hannah's relatives and family friends. Of course Antonia was there and had dragged Matthew along and she proudly showed her new ring to anyone who wanted to see. After a while the two couples had taken Robert's light red Porsche (it was the one colour he knew his father wouldn't have picked) and went to the beach. Hours later Antonia had pointed out they probably missed them at the party. Robert remembered that he had a gig at a local pub and they decided to drive back.

When Robert came home at 1.30 am (he hadn't had the time to go home between the party and his performance at the pub) Gary's things were spread over the lawn and the red Ferrari was nowhere to be seen. He walked inside and found his mom in the living room curled up on the couch with a large bottle of wine in front of her. The bottle was nearly empty and judging by the glass splinter and wine stains at least one bottle had been smashed against the wall. Robert hurried over to his mother and tried to talk to her. For a minute he thought that he would have to call an ambulance, but then finally he managed to wake her up. At first she embraced him, held him tightly and almost refused to let go when he tried to make some distance between them in order to make eye contact.

"Mom? Mom! What's wrong? What happened? Where's Gary and why is his things all over the . . ."Victoria didn't let him finish the question.

"DON'T! Don't mention that man's name" Robert almost jumped back at her rage and alcoholic breath. He couldn't understand it. Gary and his mom never fought, they quarrelled from time to time, but what couple didn't? He instantly knew this was something different and he dreaded to find out.

"Is he coming back?" he asked and took the bottle away from Victoria. Victoria seemed to have calmed down a little and now shaky rose from the couch. She placed a kiss on his forehead and with puffy red eyes she looked at him. And with a voice that probably was meant to be reassuring, but came out slurred and hoarse she confirmed what Robert had feared.

"We were doing fine before him and we will do just as fine now without him. We have each other. Good night, my darling" Then she left the room and Robert heard her walk up the stairs to her bedroom. His thoughts flew apart. "I should call someone. Normal people have someone to call in situations like this." But who would he call? Hannah, his friends, no one could know about his mother's state. He hadn't told any of them, they couldn't find out. His father? It would have been easier to get hold of the prime minister.

With the bottle still in hand he took his place in a chair and took a swing of the wine. He had never felt so lonely.

_

* * *

_

_Two hours earlier_

_Clearly irritated an almost sober Gary half dragged half carried a much more drunk Victoria form the taxi to the front door. He tried to get her to open the door, but she just found his angry voice hilariously funny and couldn't stop giggle long enough to get the keys. Gary grabbed her purse and started to search it. Finally he found the keys and managed to get his girlfriend inside where he dumped her on the black leather couch in the living room._

_Gary started pacing back and forth throwing occasional looks in Victoria's direction. At least he had tried. No one could say he hadn't tried. But what was he supposed to do?_

_He had come back to find that his favourite fun party girl, free at last, had turned into a selfish drunk that couldn't stay sober longer than to lunch. Sure, they had both been two party animals, with nights out ending at dawn and then sleep until noon, but they were too old for that now. In the beginning he had thought that he could fix it. He was used to models with all sorts of addictions and knew a few tricks how to make them cut down, at last for a while. But it wasn't a long lasting solution. Of course with his jobs he would be done and the model would be someone else's problem, but here, he had chosen to stay. And soon after he had decided to stay and revive his relationship with his former girlfriend his methods to keep her fairly sober had started to wear off. _

_Back in the days, he had always been the one to get away when things go rough, but he had changed, at least he wanted to believe he had. And he had agreed to give the relationship a try, there was a teenage boy to consider, he had responsibilities. So he had stayed, he had tried, but over time he had realized that he alone couldn't help her, discreetly he had brought up the subject, but Victoria had always refused to discuss it. But after tonight he could no longer just sit back and see his girlfriend hurt and embarrass herself and everyone around her, especially him and her son. God, no wonder Rowan left._

"_You need help" he said bluntly to Victoria who was still lying on the couch still laughing. _

"_Yes, help me up" she giggled and held out an arm for him to pull her up._

"_No, I mean you need help, professional help, with your drinking, for you, for Robert . . ."_

_Immediately Victoria stopped laughing and sat up. "Don't talk like that! I don't need help. Who doesn't drink from time to time? You're not exactly sober yourself"_

_Dejected, Gary sat down next to her, grabbed her hands and looked into her eyes. "Victoria, this is no joke. You're sick. And I've tried to talk to you and I have tried to help you. But you have to choose: Get help and stop drinking or I am out of here"_

_Victoria responded by slapping him. "Get out!" she hissed. She had a long time ago made a decision to never let any man tell her what was wrong with her or what she would do. Through her life she'd had enough of that. _

_Gary rose from the couch and felt the taste of blood on his tongue. That was it! He'd had enough! He had no responsibility to a woman who hit him and who clearly was out of her mind. At the door he thought of the beautiful spirited girl he'd once knew and looked over at the bitter drunk woman on the couch. She wasn't the same, this was not the woman he'd loved, this was the woman who'd destroyed her._

"_I'm out of here" for a moment his thought travelled to her son, but he decided quickly that Little Bob wasn't so little anymore, the boy would be fine, it wasn't his problem anyway. He himself was the real victim in this sick drama. And with every intention of hurting as much as he felt he'd been hurt he took on a sarcastic tone and continued "You know what? I should have guessed it would come to this. After all why wouldn't you choose your precious bottle over me, when you already clearly have chosen it over your own son?"_

_He got a reason to hurry out when he saw Victoria grabbing a bottle from a coffee-table. As he open the front door he heard the sound of glass being shattered and Victoria's voice, filled with hate "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!". Over the engine noise he could hear her keep yelling and had he switched off the engine he would have heard the words _

_"Come back here you coward! Gary!" But she could hear how the car drove off and for a moment Victoria thought that her heart would break. When she realized it was still beeting, she startede to cry and for no one to hear, she called into the darkness of the empty house "Robert! I want my Robert!" _

Was so unsure if I would publish this chapter or not. I don't feel it's the best I've written, but still feel it was necessary for the story. And it is great being back in the game :). Please, let me know what you think. Once again, thank you for all of your support and kind reviews.


	8. Chapter 8

When Robert woke up the next morning he thought that he had had a nightmare, but as soon as he opened up his eyes he realized he had travelled back in time. He looked around the living room, saw the mess and then the clothes and things on the lawn outside, he just wanted to give up, give in and once again he grabbed the bottle. He looked for a glass, but then he quickly ran into the kitchen and poured it all out into the sink. He had to be strong, had to brace himself, had to become who he had been before.

For the next three days Robert took a time machine and travelled back, before Matthew, Antonia, Gary and Hannah. He was seventeen again and the only way he knew how to handle the situation was to clean up and protect his mother. Locking the door, unplugging the phone, closing the curtains, no one could see her like this, crashed and destroyed. He knew it was his fault, but he promised he would make things right.

Victoria was a wreck, first she had, just like Robert, tried to convince herself it was just a bad dream, when she noticed this was not the case, she opened her closet, found a bottle that she emptied within an hour and was then gone to the world for the rest of the day. Robert checked in on her every once in a while to make sure she was still breathing.

The next day Robert woke up to a horrible scream and he hurried into his mother's bedroom. She took hold of him, kissed and embraced him and refused to let go, she was in a delirium mumbling that he wouldn't abandon her too. As soon as he tried to leave her side she started screaming again, in the end of the afternoon he managed to convince her to let him go down and fetch them something to eat.

The third day he thought that it was a little bit better. She was calm, didn't say anything when he left the room, ate her breakfast and then said she wanted to rest. He offered to get her some fresh clothes, but she told him to stay away from the closet. In the afternoon Robert decided to ask Victoria if she wanted anything to eat. But as soon as he started opening the door, he heard her shouting "Don't you dare walk in here, GET OUT! I hate you, get out!" Robert froze and Victoria continued "You said you loved me! I wish you were dead! You hear that, Gary? Dead!"

Something in Robert's brain shut down and as if in trance he closed the door, walked down the stairs and out of the house, leaving the front door open. He sat down on the stone steps leading up to the house, put his head into his arms and started to cry. Suddenly a shadow fell over him, Robert looked up to see Father Harrison. Robert quickly tried to dry the tears while Father Harrison sat down next to him and began talking.

"I didn't see you in church today so I figured something had come up. Then I met Hannah and she told me that she had tried calling for two days, but she couldn't get through, then I decided that I'd stop by" Robert was just about to say something about the flu and bad lines, when they heard Victoria through the opened door. "I'm gonna kill you myself!"

Harrison threw one quick look at Robert's pale face, took a few steps into the house and immediately noticed the unplugged phones. "Robert, why don't you take a walk?" Robert vigorously shook his head. "Then go to bed, I guess you need some rest." Reluctantly Robert obeyed and saw Father Harrison walk into Victoria's bedroom.

A sleepless hour later Father Harrison walked into Robert's room and sat down on the bed. "She's asleep, she needs rest. I took the liberty to call Mr. Pritchett, he'll come to collect his things tomorrow morning, you don't have to see him if you don't want to. I'll take care of it. Now I'm going to make some dinner and then I think we should call it a night. I'd figured I could take the guest room and then we'll talk tomorrow" Robert just nodded. "Do you want me to call anyone? Your father?" Robert made an ugly face and shook his head. "Hannah?" Robert's eyes turned from ice to fear as they met Father Harrison's. "Robert, if you don't want me to, I won't. But she is worried about you . . . I guess that can wait until tomorrow as well . . . I'll come up with a tray". He left the room and soon Robert fell into a restless sleep.

Around 2 am he woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. He sat down by his desk and looked at the things on it; a photo of him and Hannah taken at Christmas, a very old photo of his mother and his five years old self on the beach, his father had taken the picture and managed to photograph his own shadow at the same time. There was a bible, some pencils and a plectrum. Then Robert made a decision and could finally go back to bed.

The next morning Robert woke up hearing voices in the hall. He tiptoed out of his room and saw Father Harrison talking with none other than Gary Pritchett. Apparently they had been talking for a while.

"So, you see, you can't judge me, I tried, but . . . Anyway, thanks for the stuff"

"Robert was the one collecting them for you" Harrison's voice was firm and calm indicating that he wanted to bring the conversation to an end.

"Yeah, Robert, please tell him . . . nothing. I should go, and . . . Take care of them" He barley finished before Harrison cut him off.

"They will be just fine. Good bye Mr. Pritchett" Gary disappeared and Robert walked down the stairs. Father Harrison turned to him smiling. "Ah, Robert, Mr. Pritchett was just here taking his things. There are boiled eggs, but I think they're cold now, tea in the pot and toast. You're mother's still asleep. Shall we?"

"I decided I want to become a priest" Father Harrison put down his cup of tea for a moment, but then continued drinking. "What do you think?" Robert asked shyly avoiding Father Harrison's gaze.

"Robert, I just thought I should ask you what your plans were. I can't tell you what to do."

"Everything is up-side-down, I thought that now was her time to be happy, for us to be. . ."

"I understand and I also understand that it is tempting to turn to the seminary, but Robert, the church will be your family no matter how you choose"

"This is what I want"

"Ok then, I'll call the seminary." Harrison was really glad about the boy's decision, but he would hate that Robert did something because he thought he had to do it. Harrison had always hoped that Robert would realize that the love from God and the love Harrison himself felt for the boy was the kind that you didn't have to deserve. Nevertheless, nothing would make him happier than Robert wanting to become a priest. Only time would tell if it was the right decision or not. "Now, about your mother, you won't be too far away from her. Her recent behaviour I think is because of the shock, but once she overcomes that, maybe she needs more help than you"

"I'm going to take care of her" Father Harrison nodded half-heartedly in agreement. "But I think she would like if you visited every once in a while"

"I will do everything I can for you both, Robert, always, never hesitate to ask."

_My, it's hard keeping up the writing combined with school work. I'll try update soon. Hope you liked it. _


	9. Chapter 9

_New chapter, hope you like_

.

Since the term had already begun Robert had to start at the seminary as soon as possible, he asked Father Harrison for a week to prepare and started packing straight away, both his own things and his mother's. He had managed, with a lot of help from Father Harrison, to convince Victoria to go to a recovery/SPA centre that cooperated with the church. It wasn't rehab, Victoria got upset just mentioning the word, but she agreed that she could use a little vacation to get her mind off things. It helped that the recovery centre was a smaller one and it was close to the seminary.

But convincing Victoria to go and making all the arrangement was the easy parts, Robert knew he had to tell his friends, tell Matthew and tell Hannah.

He called and asked her if they could meet and talk and picked her up at her house, then drove to a glade where they had spent a lot of happy times with Antonia and Matthew. Hannah was tense and full of questions. Why hadn't he returned her phone calls? Was everything ok? Why didn't he say anything? Robert didn't quite know what to say, how much he should tell her or how to tell her. Where to start?

"Robert, come on, you're getting me nervous" Robert looked at her, her red hair was in a loose ponytail, she was wearing a green simple dress that matched her eyes and around her neck hung the golden heart he had bought her for Christmas. The beautiful girl was smiling at him and he was about to break her heart.

"You know how you talked about that you wanted to study in Sydney" he began and her smile widened.

"Yeah, we could go with Antonia and Matthew, share an apartment, living together, me studying and you figuring out what you want to. . ."

"I think you should go . . . if you want to study in Sydney, I think you should go"

"Me? Robert, if you would rather go to Melbourne, then we could. . . "

"Hannah, I've been thinking a lot lately and I-I want to become a priest, I'm joining the seminary next week. . . I've chosen to dedicate my life to the church. I'm sorry" during the whole time he had avoided looking at her, he looked into the ground and awaited the sound of tears or anger, but it was quiet. After what felt as an eternity, he finally looked up. Hannah just sat there next to him, looking down at her hands. "Hannah, please, say something" he begged, his voice shaking slightly.

She looked up at him and met his gaze. There were tears in her eyes, but she wouldn't let them fall. She bit her lower lip and took a deep breath. "You're dumping me for God, Robert. What am I supposed to say?" she opened the car door, went out and closed it. "Please leave"

"I can't leave you here"

"I'll call Antonia and ask her to pick me up. Now, please Robert, please just go."

Robert didn't know what to do, but to drive home and continue packing. Victoria was still weak and slept most of the day, but at least she seemed to have calmed down and she acted as if Gary had never existed. Around 6 p.m. she came down the stairs and wondered if he wanted pizza and a movie for dinner. Robert agreed and they spent the rest of the night curled up in front of the TV, Victoria held her little boy, but didn't notice that her son was extra quiet. The movie was an old one and they had both fallen asleep before the ending.

* * *

Next day Matthew was knocking on the door, Robert went to get it and expected his friend to either punch him or yell at him. Matthew did neither, simply asked if they could go for a ride in the car. At first Robert thought his friend might not have heard of what have happened and sent Matthew a surprised look. Matthew gave him a small smile.

"Come on. Oh, and don't worry, I'm not going to break up with you"

Matthew drove to the same spot Robert had taken Hannah the day before. The two guys got out of the car and started wandering around. Robert kept quiet and waited for Matthew to say something. Finally Matthew stoped walking and sat down on the hood of the car. His tone was light, but he avoided looking at Robert

"Antonia suggested that you might need a friend . . . actually she told me that I had to talk some sense into you, but I knew what she meant" he smiled, but then his voice turned serious and he sought Robert's eyes. "Can't say she's too fond of you right now, apparently Hannah was crying her eyes out last night. She can't understand why you broke up with her, and, frankly, neither can I"

Robert sat down next to Matthew, not looking at him. "I know and I understand if Antonia hates me and if you no longer want me to be at the wed . . ."

"Wow, wow, wait a second, you're not pulling out now, are you? I'm counting on you, and Antonia has already designed the program and you're name is there, right next to 'best man'. Besides, it's not until the summer and till then Hannah and you will probably have worked things out and . . ."

"I've broken her heart. I'm going to become a priest, so . . ." Matthew waited for an explanation, but Robert didn't show any signs of wanting to give him one.

Matthew sighed. "Ok, you want to become a priest, I respect that, I'm not sure I understand, but I respect it. I asked you to be my best man and you agreed, so you and Antonia will just have to live with that. As for Hannah, she'll get over it"

"I hope so, I didn't mean to, I just . . . This is something I just have to do" Robert said quietly.

For half an hour they just sat there, then Matthew looked at the clock and realized he had to go. "We're leaving the day after tomorrow, I have to help her pack . . . We've found a small apartment and you're welcome to stay whenever you want, just give Antonia a couple of weeks to calm down" he hugged his friend and Robert had never been more grateful for their friendship. "Just remember that Hannah is Antonia's cousin, not mine, and if you need any help you know where to find me"

They drove back in silence, when they reached Robert's house, he got out and then turned to Matthew. "You're a good friend" Robert said and smiled.

Matthew smiled back "I know and so are you, which is why you're going to come visit me as soon as possible. Say hi to your mum for me, and Gary"

Robert's smile disappeared "They broke up"

Matthew's jaw dropped "What?! When did . . .? Never mind, so, you broke up with Hannah, you're going to the seminary and Gary and your mum are no longer together. Anything else I should know?" Robert gave him a small smile and shook his head. "Good, ok, when the next big thing happens, you'll let me know. Now promise me that and promise that you'll come visit soon"

"I promise, and I promise. See you in Sydney" Robert watched as Matthew drove off and then went into the house to see if Victoria was still sober or if she had had more bottles hidden from him.

_Thank you all so much for your reviews and encouragement. _


	10. Chapter 10

_A quick update for a change ;) thank you for reading_

_-_

Despite everything that had happened, Robert felt that his life was ok. His mum was ok and taken care of, which took a ton off his shoulders. He had followed her to the recovery centre and to her room. Victoria hadn't seemed thrilled by the place, but she had put on a forced smile for her son and said that it would probably be a nice visit. Robert ignored the fact that his mother still talked of her staying there as a vacation or a holiday trip rather than getting help. But as long as she was there and agreed to be there, getting the help, why would it matter if she deluded the experience a little bit? Radical changes in life are always hard.

The seminary on the other hand wasn't quite what Robert had expected. It was a beautiful school building and church, all the priests and professors seemed competent and nice and the students were all welcoming, and even though the feeling of being safe overwhelmed him from the moment Father Harrison followed him through the gates, it wasn't the feeling of coming home. He realized that he had been naive, he had expected that all of his earthly troubles would vanish from his mind as he walked into the seminary. This was not the case, but maybe it would give him the peace and distraction he needed to forget.

After a couple of weeks he had found that he really liked it there. There were schedules, activities and services that told him what to do and when to do it, in the meantime he knew his mum was in the hands of good people and it felt nice letting someone else being in charge. He visited his mum every other day and every other day he spent his free time with the rest of the students, especially two guys, his roommates Peter and Roger. They hung out and Robert had a good time with them, but they were still barely more than acquaintances.

He also liked the classes. It was history, Old Testament, New Testament, church in modern times, 'Evangelism and Mission', Ministry etc, he didn't care much for the languages although he was pretty good in Greek and Latin, he had more problems with Hebrew. But what he really found interesting was 'Philosophy and Ethics', to read and discuss subjects as forgiveness, punishment, right and wrong. His professor Harlow appreciated the boy's interest and was happy to nurture it with books and conversations. Since Peter and Robert had most of their classes together and Peter also had a passion for eternal philosophical questions, they spend a lot of time together studying and talking.

One time after a lecture about faith, luck and punishment Robert asked Peter if they could talk about Harlow's view on 'deserving, changing and creating your destiny'.

"Do you really believe that everyone has deserved what's happened to them?" Robert asked his friend.

Peter tried to be tactful, everyone knew that Robert's father had left his mother and that his mum had been mentally unstable ever since, at least that's what people said. He didn't want the guy to snap. "That depends. If you mean like war victims, loved ones leaving you or diseases, then no, some things just happen and there's nothing you can do about it. As professor Harlow said; bad things can happen to good people. On the other hand if you shoot someone or start taking drugs or don't try to change a bad situation even though you can, then you have sort of picked you destiny . . . you know what I mean?"

"Yeah" Robert thought for a moment. "Peter, drugs, you mean like cocaine and ecstasy . . ."

Peter shrugged "Just drugs or addictions over all, junkies, alcoholics, I don't know, food addicts" Peter smiled and tried to joke to compensate for Robert's seriousness.

"But maybe those people need help. I mean they're sick so it's not really their fault"

"Sure they need help, but most of them don't seek help. Besides, you must admit that an addict at some point has a choice, it's not like someone is forcing them, but if you get cancer, you don't have much of a choice then, have you?"

"But it doesn't make you a bad person, there could be circumstances" Robert tried.

"If someone does something that hurts others, would you call that a good person? And besides, it's not really about good or bad, it's about taking responsibility and the consequences for your own actions"

* * *

Robert couldn't believe it, that an addict deserved her destiny, he tried to talk to some other students, but only met responses similar to Peter's. He wanted to get hold of Professor Harlow, but he had gone to London, serving as a guest professor at a seminary and wouldn't come back before the summer. What really worried Robert was, that after that conversation he couldn't visit his mother without thinking differently of the people at the recovery centre. They had problems with bulimia, anorexia, drugs, obesity, alcohol, kleptomania, pills, depression etc, and he started to think about why they were there and others weren't. 'Why have they failed? Why can't they set their lives straight?' He started to consider them weak, that was the only explanation, they deserved to . . . but then his mum . . . No, all the rest, but not his mum. She was there because of his father, but then, Robert, and others, had tried to help her, why did she refuse to get better? He always stopped the thoughts before they went too far. He contacted Father Harrison and talked, without specifying his problem, he said that some conversations at the seminary had made his head spin and that he was a bit confused. Harrison took his worries with ease.

"I can imagine that your first weeks have been intense. That's good, always interesting with good discussions with worthy opponents, but it can also be a bit too much for the brain. It takes time getting used to, but in the end religion is all about the big questions and clear answers will be rare." He thought for a while "You're mother is doing fine, she's in good hands, why don't you go somewhere during your Easter break? Two weeks away might do you some good, I'm sure when you come back you will feel a lot better"

Even though he was unsure about leaving his mother, Robert liked the solution, after all, his mother was in good hands. He decided to call Matthew and see if Antonia had calmed down enough for him to visit them. Matthew was thrilled when he called and insisted that he would stay for the entire break and claimed that Antonia was just as enthusiastic as he was that Robert would come.

Before he left Robert visited Victoria to tell her that he was going to Sydney. At first she suggested that she would come with, but gave up the idea when Robert explained that he would go and see some friends. He couldn't stay long, since he had promised Matthew that he would dine with him and Antonia, but during that hour, his mum actually managed to convince him that she was doing better and she was almost "fully recovered" as she put it. That made Robert unwind a little and he left with hope.

His mother was about to change her situation.

* * *

When Robert arrived in Sydney at his friends' apartment, Matthew was yet to come home from the university, having a lecture about the connection between liver and lungs. This gave Robert plenty of time to talk things over with Antonia. It started out a little nervous with him, politely and quite honestly, admiring the way she had decorated the home (he knew it was her doing, because Matthew would never have come up with the idea to colour coordinate lamp, carpet and flower pots, especially not in 'LightGoldenRodYellow'). Then he went to tasting and complimenting her cooking. They kept playing nice until Antonia blurted out that Hannah was in the top of her class and that her new boyfriend was really supportive. Robert sent her a glare and suddenly they were in a staring contest. It ended with Robert folding, mumbling that he was sorry and Antonia offering him a forgiving smile and to try her homemade cookies. They started talking, really talking, and by the time Matthew came home, they were friends again. And at the dinner table it all felt like it used to be, and they all tried to ignore the empty chair.

But Sydney was great, just what Robert needed and since he was back on good terms with Antonia, it didn't matter that Matthew disappeared to the university every now and then. His friends were determined to show him a good time, they took him on day trips, pick nick, bowling, out clubbing. One night Matthew and Antonia even surprised Robert by taking him to an 'open mike night' and encouraged him to perform. Just like old times.

But when one of the two weeks had passed Robert received a phone call. At the time, he was alone in his friends' apartment, Matthew being at the university and Antonia out shopping groceries. At the end of the line was a professional female voice.

"Hello! My name is Pauline Holt, is this Robert Chase?"

"Yes, this is me"

"Good afternoon, Mr. Chase, we would just like to inform you that you mother, hm, Victoria Chase has chosen to leave the 'Sun and Shield'" her voice was bored and sounded quite indifferent to who was leaving what.

"Excuse me, what? She left? And you just let her go?" he felt panic creep upon him and the accusation in his voice made the woman in the other end come to life.

"My dear Mr. Chase, this is not a prison, all of our guests are here by choice and are free to terminate their visit whenever they wish to do so. It is, however, standard procedure when that happens that we contact the person in question's closest relatives, in this case you and a Mr. Harrison. That's the reason we called and now that I've done so, I wish you a good day" and with that she hung up.

However, that answer had not made him feel any better and he decided to call Father Harrison immediately. He reached him on the second dial and went straight away to explain the phone call he had received and to ask what had happened.

"Then she said they had contacted you and . . . How is she? Where is she? I can be home in just a couple of hours"

"Robert, Robert, calm down. Your mother is home and I share your wish that she would've stayed longer, but no one can force her to be there . . . May I suggest that you call her before you decide whether to stay or not"

Robert said good bye and then called his mother. Victoria actually sounded surprised when her son called. "Sweetie, how lovely to hear from you! Everything's ok I hope"

"Mum, are you quite sure that . . . I mean leaving the centre . . ." Robert wasn't quite sure what to say, how do you tell your mother how to behave?

"Oh, but honey, I'm feeling so much better and that place was never for me anyway. As I said to Father Harrison, no need to worry . . . Are you having a good time?"

"Yes, but do you want me to come home? It's just a couple of hours . . ."

"Robbie, don't be silly, there's no need for that. Now I want you to have a great time and tell me all about it when you get home. I love you, bye." After that Victoria hung up and she looked around in the empty house. The last thing she remembered from it, before she went to that awful place, was the time with Gary. What a dreadful man! Oh, stupid memories! They had tried to talk to her about him at the centre, but she had refused, what was the point? She hadn't even wanted to be there, a place full of patronizing, judgemental people trying to tell her what to do and what she couldn't do. But she had given it a chance, for Robbie, she could see that it had made him happy and she was glad that it had helped her son. Now he was studying at the seminary and went to Sydney to visit his friends. She was convinced that he was happy, now all she had to do was to convince him of the fact that he didn't need to worry about her, she would not be standing in the way of his happiness. And then no one would be able to say that she was a bad mother. But in her mind she could hear Sister Norah, Gary, and even Rowan, accusing her, judging her.

"Oh stupid voices! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up or I will make you!"


	11. Chapter 11

-

When Robert had five days left in Sydney Matthew and Antonia said that they wanted to take him on their favourite restaurant. It was quite a fancy restaurant, Asian, and the decoration and the waiters made you feel like a sultan from the moments you walked through the doors. As usual, Matthew was late, which gave Antonia and Robert some time to talk, Robert took the opportunity to thank her for really taking care of him and Antonia had a confession to make. She told him that she hadn't been as forgiving as she had seemed at first, but that she now, after the two weeks, felt that they were closer than ever.

"To be honest I didn't even want you to come, I was so mad with Matthew for inviting you . . . You broke my cousin's heart and I felt that I needed to protect her . . . She doesn't really have a boyfriend, I tried to set her up with this guy, but . . . she isn't over you yet. "

"How many times do I have to say it? I am . . ."

"Sorry, I know. But no one knows what made you change your mind like that over night, anyway, I told her you were visiting. She asked if you could meet."

Robert didn't really know how to respond. In a way he was glad that Hannah wasn't over him, he wasn't over her by far, still it hurt him, but maybe he could tell her, maybe . . . That was the moment Matthew walked up to their table, gave Antonia a kiss and Robert a smile. "Hi, have you ordered yet?"

"Hi, darling, yes, we've ordered, I ordered you Chicken Pilau and a beer"

"Great, thank you, tonight we celebrate! Guess who's got a definite internship with Dr Turner next year! Oh and before I forget, Robert, I've got something for you" Robert congratulated his friend without knowing who Dr Turner was or his specialty, he also accepted the bag that was handed to him, opened it and found a book, a book on rheumatology, a book by Rowan Chase, dedicated to his beloved wife, his current wife. Robert kept quiet and Matthew continued. "He had a lecture at the university. I had some questions, talked to him a little, he offered to put in a good word for me with Dr Turner. When I went to thank him this morning, your name came up and he asked me to give that to you . . . So, what did you guys order?"

Robert didn't know how to handle his best friend and his dad. He didn't even know why he was upset, if it was because Matthew had talked to his dad, or the fact that his dad had helped Matthew. And what right did they have to discuss him and send him books? Matthew didn't notice that his friend seemed a little down, he was too focused on explaining his internship to Antonia, who didn't know Robert well enough to know when he was unusually quiet.

* * *

Robert felt that he wanted to go back to Victoria and thought of an excuse to leave Sydney earlier, but couldn't come up with a good enough reason.

But two days later Peter, Robert's friend from the seminary, showed up and told him that Father Harrison had sent him. Apparently Sister Norah had went to see Victoria and had found her unconscious on the bed, a bad mix of sleeping pills and alcohol had made her stop breathing and she was now in a hospital. Robert immediately went to pack his things, refusing Antonia's offer to help him. As Robert entered the bathroom to grab his toothbrush he could hear Antonia and Peter talk.

"Did she . . . Was it suicide, I mean, an attempt to . . ."

"Don't know, according to Father Harrison she says it wasn't, but most people know better than to mix Restoril with alcohol"

They were interrupted by Robert, who quickly hugged Antonia good bye and asked her to explain to Matthew. He and Peter then hurried out to Peter's car and the only conversations they had on their way to the hospital was when Robert asked Peter if he couldn't drive faster.

When Robert arrived at the hospital he hurried to the reception for direction to his mother's room. He then ran down the hallway and into the room where a very pale Victoria lay and next to her sat Father Harrison holding her hand. When Father Harrison saw Robert, he rose and went over to the boy. Gently he grabbed the boy's shoulder.

"She's out of any immediate danger, but very weak. You can stay with her for as long as you like, I'll be back in an hour"

Robert neared the bed. "Mum? Mum, it's me, Robert"

Victoria opened her eyes and tried to smile, failing miserably. When she spoke her voice was hoarse, not as when she had been drinking, but out of true weakness in the soul.

"I'm sorry, Robert, I wanted to make you happy. But then I was so lonely and I, I just needed some rest, just needed to relax a little bit"

Robert tried to remain calm "Mum, maybe it would be best if you went back to . . ."

A spark could be seen in Victoria's eyes and her voice turned desperate. "No, Robbie, I couldn't, it would kill me. I didn't mean to . . . please don't do that to me, Robbie. Promise me you won't" She sounded as if he had been a psychotic killer with an axe, he had never heard her like this and it absolutely terrified him. He held his mum and rocked her back to sleep, soothing and promising her that he would take care of her, everything would be fine.

And that was what he said to Father Harrison and anyone else who uttered the idea of Victoria going back. "It was an accident, she didn't mean it. She just needs me to be there and she will be fine"

But for the first time Father Harrison actually raised his voice towards his protégé "She is not _fine,_ Robert, she _needs_ . . ." and for the first time Robert interrupted his Father "I'm not sending her back, she is _my_ mother and I know what's best for her. You can't tell me what to do" And Father Harrison realized that the lost boy he had tried to protect and help for so long had grown into a man, a lost and confused young man, but still with the power to step outside his reach if he wanted to. He had to let the boy, sorry, the man, make his own decisions, find his way. And all Father Harrison could hope for was that when it all came crashing down, he would at least be able to save the boy.

And the young man stayed at the seminary, studying, praying, serving God in every way, only now he was just doing it half-time, the other half was spent watching over his mother and he was never away from home longer than a couple of hours. Surely then, God couldn't take his mother away. Now it was really high school all over again, yet it wasn't, yes, he was taken care of the same sick woman that he loved more than anything else, but he was different. Back then, he thought, he had been confused, scared and so much time had been wasted trying to gain his father's attention. Now he was a grown-up, rational, doing what he must without thinking too much, and to hell with Rowan's attention and approval. People around him, Father Harrison, Peter, Matthew, tried to talk to him, tried to make him talk, but he just refused to say anything else than that everything was fine. He was driving a train towards a wall that everyone could see except him.

* * *

And so it came, the crash, a normal Tuesday in May. Robert wasn't there, he should have been. Ten minutes after he had left the house and taken the car to the seminary, Victoria had called Father Harrison and told him that her heart felt strange, he immediately called 000 and within ten minutes an ambulance had pick them up. Victoria was taken to the ER and Harrison tried to get hold of Robert. Robert hurried to the hospital only to find a calming doctor, who tried to explain the term "cardiac arrhythmia" and that "she didn't suffer". After that came a load of questions about health and alcohol abuse, none of which helped Robert's conscience. Father Harrison helped him answering and thanked the doctor, then, with tears in his eyes, Father Harrison put his arms around the motherless, looked him in the eye and said "She's in good hands, Robert . . . remember, you're not alone in this." Desperately Father Harrison searched for the lost boy to comfort him, but he was nowhere to be seen and the young man in front of him didn't cry. Robert hugged the old man back, but then said he wanted some time with his mother.

He spent an hour next to her bed, but finally a kind doctor convinced him to say good bye and let them take the body. He went out into the corridor and tried to call his father. First dial, second dial, third dial, fourth and then a female voice. "Hello?"

"Caroline Chase?" Robert asked, although the voice sounded nothing like his father's new wife.

"No, It's Sophie, mum and Rowan is out. Do you want to leave a message?"

"Yeah, tell him . . . tell him his wife is dead" As he put down the phone he could hear Sophie's voice 'What? Who's dead?', but he ignored it. Instead he went to find Father Harrison. "Could you call Gary Pritchett, please? I want him to know . . . He can come to the funeral if he likes."

It took his father four hours and thirty-seven minutes to call back, Robert clocked it, thought it to be a record and sadly realized that it had been much easier to contact Gary in the US than Rowan only a few miles away. Robert could hear the anxiety in Rowan's voice, or maybe he was imagining it. It was the usual questions, short answers and then Rowan mentioned the funeral.

"Do you want me to be there?" He doubted that his son would welcome him with open arms, but he wanted him to know that he was there and now when Victoria was gone . . .

"You don't have to" Robert forced his voice to be stern and cold. It didn't take much effort.

"I want to, and Caroline too. Robert, let me come." It was a mix between a plea and a demand. Robert felt both relieved that he would have his father with him, but also angry that Rowan thought he had the right to make such a request.

"Ok, but don't you dare bring her to mum's funeral. Oh and by the way, Gary will be there. You remember him, Gary Pritchett?" and with that he hang up, went home without telling anyone, locked the door and started crying.

_As always, thank you for reading :)_


	12. Chapter 12

_Thank you for your patience_

Gary arrived three days later and Robert picked him up at the airport. Robert didn't know what he had expected, maybe an unshaved grieving mess who hadn't slept for days, his own mirror, after all the man claimed to have loved his mother. But Gary looked great for someone who had made a trip from US to Sydney and just lost a loved one, although his eyes were covered by dark sunglasses. When Gary saw Robert across the hall he hurried over, dropped his bag and gave the boy a hug.

"She was an amazing woman. I will never forgive myself for the way I let things end . . . I'm not going to ask you if you're ok, when my grandmother died everyone asked if I was ok and I hated it."

They went to the car, Gary still talking. During the ride he talked of what a wonderful woman Victoria had been, memories from happier times and then about his work in LA and the old friends that had to come to the funeral. He immediately overthrew Robert's plans of a quiet funeral with just the closest friends and family and told him that his mother deserved more than that, more, bigger, better. The man never stopped talking, it wasn't until they were stopping outside Gary's hotel that Gary noticed something different about the boy. He took a long look at Robert, gazed him up and down with a photographer's examining eye.

"There is something . . . different about you. You seem to have grown, hell, you even look like an adult. I guess I can't call you LB anymore, Robert. God, you must be in hell right now . . . sorry, wrong thing to say to someone who's going to be a priest."

"Don't worry about it. I have to go, but I'll see you later"

-

Maybe it had been a mistake inviting Gary, the man had a clear idea of who should be invited and how the get-together afterwards would turn out, however he didn't care much about the funeral service, that he left for Father Harrison to arrange. The only thing Robert had to do was to pick out the coffin and the flowers and then the stone. He was so afraid to screw up, make the wrong choice and it all went classic and expensive, everything deluxe and recommended by the funeral director. What freaked him out the most was the engraving on the stone and whatever quote he had had in mind he went for the classic _"Beloved mother"_, after all nothing could have been truer.

* * *

The evening the day before the funeral Matthew showed up at Robert's house. They had barely spoken since Robert had left Sydney, both of them had been busy and between them lay a book by Rowan Chase.

At first it was very awkward, none of them knowing what to say after the standard "I'm sorry about your mother" and "it was nice of you to come". Robert thought that if he just gave Matthew a minute or two he would say something about his contact with Rowan or maybe about the fact that he hadn't called or checked up on him before, maybe even apologize. Robert was therefore a bit surprised when his friend turned to him with something that almost looked like anger in his eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me? Robert, you are supposed to be my best friend" Matthew demanded an answer and Robert turned furious. How dared he?

"Oh, yeah? Well, sorry if I've let you down somehow, been a little bit busy, my mum dying and all" Matthew looked as if he had a comeback on his tongue, but swallowed it, took a deep breath and sat down on the sofa.

"When I called Father Harrison to ask what had happen he said cardiac arrhythmia and that the doctors had referred to it as 'holiday heart'. I don't think Father Harrison knew that I knew that 'holiday heart' is cardiac arrhythmia caused by alcohol" Robert stayed silent refusing to look at his friend "She was an alcoholic, wasn't she? Now when I think about it, it all makes sense. Why you didn't hang out with the rest of us and why there never were any parties in this gigantic house . . . For how long?" Matthew moved over and Robert sat down next to him.

"They got divorced when I was fifteen, but she had problems before that . . . She was sad, lonely, but then just one little drink could make her so happy. Well, that was in the beginning, later . . . it didn't quite work like that"

They sat there for hours, but they didn't talk much about the obvious subject. Matthew hardly knew what to ask, what to say and Robert didn't feel like analyzing his mother's life or his own childhood. Instead they talked about the future, what med school was like, how they had pictured their adult lives when they were kids. After three hours, they were running out of things to say and it was then Matthew suggested they'd go for a car ride. Robert agreed and handed him the key to his Porsche.

It was pitch-black outside, all alone on the road and without conversation they drove towards places none of them had been, crossing some speed limits in the process. They felt the wind in their hair, old songs were played on the radio and for a couple of hours nothing existed but the "now". It wasn't a good feeling or a bad feeling for that matter, it was no feeling at all and that was the beauty of it. Robert was numb, his head blank and when they came back he was surprised to find his cheeks all wet.

* * *

The funeral was nothing like Robert had imagined it. First of all the weather was neither beautiful sun nor dramatic rain, it was mediocre and cloudy. The service that he had pictured as a beautiful good bye was indeed, thanks to Father Harrison, very classy and beautiful, but all the black dressed grieving friends with handkerchiefs and white lilies made it all seem so fake it made Robert feel sick. Luckily he had Father Harrison and Matthew. His father was there as well sitting in the fifth row, he was dressed in a black suit with a black tie, he had a red rose in his hand and although he looked mournful, at least to Matthew and Father Harrison, he didn't walk up to the coffin to say good bye and he did not cry. Not until Robert was to deliver his eulogy.

"My mum wasn't like most mums, but she loved me endlessly, just like I loved her. I have lost my mother. I don't know what you consider that you've lost." He threw a look at the assembled 'friends' and his father. "She was wonderful, lovely but sometimes sad, heartbroken, inconsolable. But I trust that she is happy now. To cite the Book of Revelation the 17th verse of the 7th chapter 'And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.'" When he was done reading he didn't dare to look at Rowan, he finished the eulogy and then returned to his seat next to Matthew. When the funeral was over he searched for his father, but he was nowhere to be seen.

The get-together afterwards was a hit, just like Gary had promised. Victoria's old friends seemed to have come from all over the world to say good bye. Only a few of them had seen her in the last decade, which was confirmed in the infinite number of speeches. They were all about a sexy model-looking actress who loved to party, always the centre of a crowd and everyone's favourite friend. Gary talked about a beautiful spirited woman, a star that had shined till the very end and that it was so sad that she had oh-so-unexplainably chosen to retreat to this far end of the world. After that Robert asked Matthew to drive him home, no one missed them.

-

Matthew helped Robert to start packing, but soon had to go back to Sydney. He tried to convince Robert to come with him, but Robert said it was too much to be done. He had no plans continuing living in the house and intended to ask Harrison to sell it for him. Victoria had left him everything, a lot of furniture, jewellery and things, but not much money. It showed out that even though Victoria hadn't talked to Rowan in years, she had completely relied on his monthly check. Despite Father Harrison's objection Robert decided to sell almost all of it. He kept some of his grandparent's old furniture, some jewellery and some other things like the car and his guitar, but almost all of it he wanted gone, everything Rowan had bought them, including the stereo he had received on his 17th birthday.

Father Harrison wanted Robert to talk to someone, preferably a priest, but since he thought himself to be too close he asked Professor Harlow to do it, Robert's old Professor from the seminary who had just returned from London. Harlow said he'd gladly do it and met up with Robert when he was at the seminary packing his things. Robert needed some time to clear his head, despite what he had said at the funeral he was furious with God for taking his mum from him, it had not been her time. He didn't know what to do, just that he couldn't stay at the seminary. When Harlow asked him for a chat, he agreed to take a walk with the man.

Harlow was a rather small man in his early forties originally from England; the students admired and feared him at the same time. He wasn't known for making his students feel at home at the seminary, but he did make them want to stick around. He often had discussions with his pupils, but personal conversations with them were much rarer.

"I heard about your mother and knowing that I'm not the first, probably not the last, saying it, I wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Really? You don't think she deserved it" Harlow gave the young man a puzzled look. "It just that, wasn't that the heart of your lectures, that we all deserve what's happening to us? Maybe not people getting hit by the bus, but drug addicts and alcoholics"

Harlow was slightly amused, but most chocked "You think that was the point of my courses? O my, what a cold-hearted man I must seem. I must really restructure my classes if that's the message I'm sending out" he sat down on a bench. "When we are born a main road has been set out for us and a lot of things along that road we can change, the road itself however, some can change it, some does, some won't and some can't – which category we end up in is for God to decide, even if many people see it as their place to judge."

Robert sat down on the ground, he had no intentions arguing with the Professor, he didn't need another pointless discussion about 'where would he go from here', still Harlow's words made him feel slightly better. The professor continued.

"I noticed your interest for ethics last term. You should go to London, the way they twist and turn morals and right and wrong is really fascinating. A lot of theories revolving the importance of the situation, you know, like self-defence, greater good, that sort of things"

Robert looked truly interested. "Are you going back?"

Harlow nodded "In three weeks. If you'd like, I could put in a good word for you. Would you like to study in London?" Robert's face turned to stone. "Let me guess. God is not your favourite right now? Well, ethics and morals is still ethics and morals, maybe the change of scenery would be refreshing." Talking from experience Harlow remembered when he had moved from Bristol to Sydney fifteen years ago after he had found his fiancé in bed with his best friend. It had helped a lot, giving him a new start and that was probably what this young man needed.

Robert made a decision right there, he would go to London. He wanted to get away from Oz, the people, everything. What better opportunity would he get? And with three weeks on his hands he would be able to make all the arrangement regarding the house and go to Matthew's and Antonia's wedding.

* * *

Antonia forgave him for not being the most entertaining guest at the wedding and Matthew soon forgave him for going to London for six months. Robert was grateful that they hadn't told anyone about his mother and tried to avoid as many people as possible, which was a bit of a challenge him being the best man and all. He knew it was expected of him to make a speech and he did, a small one. He talked about happy days before they moved to Sydney, the fact that they were his best friends and that even though Antonia looked like a princess, she was the knight in armour who had made sure that Matthew did something good with his life. It was an appreciated speech, everyone laughed and afterwards the maid of honour asked him to dance.

Hannah was beautiful as ever, but she had change as well. Her hair was shorter, she seemed more serious and she was curvier than he remembered her. They didn't talk, just looked into each other's eyes during the slow dance, when he tried to make conversation, telling her she looked great, she just smiled at him. When the music stopped they sat down at a table, on the dance floor the silent had seemed enchanting, now it was just awkward. Robert decided to end it, he opened his mouth and without thinking he said:

"My mum died" Why did he tell her that? He bit his lip, now she would think he was trying to get her sympathy. But Hannah didn't move a muscle.

"I'm sorry to hear that" was all she said, he guessed Antonia must have told her.

He leaned over the table, closer to her and so did she. "I'm going to England" a part of him wished she would tell him not to go.

"If you want to study in England I think you should go" it hurt a little having the line tossed back at you, Hannah must have noticed because she continued. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to . . . But honestly, going somewhere else, it helps, England is pretty far, but maybe it will just increase the effect. . . Still going to be a priest?"

"I don't know, I want to, but with everything that has happened . . . I feel so angry, Hannah, my faith is shaking, what sort of priest would I be, spreading words of God when I feel like He tortures me, has abandoned me and . . ." It felt so good talking to her, like when they were together, someone he knew would understand, someone he loved and he could share his fears with, but Hannah placed a finger on his lips and would not let him continue venting his worries. She stroked his cheek. A part of her wished to talk him out of it, not to become a priest, but to stay in Sydney, to give their relationship another try, but she couldn't do that, she couldn't be that selfish, taking advantage of his anguish. So instead she grabbed his hands and looked him straight in the eye.

"'These trials only test your faith to see whether or not it is strong and pure. Your faith is being tested as fire tests gold and purifies it and your faith is far more precious to the Lord than pure gold; so if your faith remains strong after being tested, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day of His return.' 1 Peter 1:7, when I was little and in doubt, my grandmother used to tell me that. Go to England Robert, you will make a wonderful priest" she gave him a small kiss, rose and left the table.

Two days later he was at the airport with Professor Harlow, the next day they would be in London. For a moment he considered trying to call one more time, but no, three messages were enough.

_Hope you liked it!_


	13. Chapter 13

-

Naive, he had thought that people who went to study ethics and morals would be particularly honest and ethical, but Robert soon noticed that almost half of the people there were there mostly because they were interested in the theory behind ethics and morals and why it could be so different with different people, the other half seemed to spend most of their times looking for loop wholes, not to use them, but to show how most moral codes never added up. But they were not more nor less dishonest and unethical than any other people he had met.

Robert let the classes and London devour him. Sydney didn't exist and he had very little contact with the people back in Australia. What had happened there was like something from a dream, or a nightmare, and without significance in his everyday life. And words such as 'mum' or 'Victoria' were banned from his mind. The only thing that wouldn't leave him alone was his struggle with faith. He was still so angry that he found it hard to pray or even discuss religion properly.

But he loved to debate other subject: What makes an act good or evil, the motive, the consequences or the act itself? What makes a person good or bad, his actions or his thoughts? Could a good act compensate for another bad one? WWJD - What Would Jesus Do? How would this be seen in a different time, a different place, in a different world?

Philosophy flooded in his veins.

He was a bright young man and the only thing Professor Harlow could comment on was the fact that he needed to become more independent in his opinions. It was fine with his fellow students, but Robert had a tendency to bend when his professors came with particularly challenging arguments, but as time went by, that changed too.

Robert always found a new topic to discuss, talking was the cure for thinking and too much thinking was something he wanted to avoid. He made sure that he always had a debate or discussion going on, teachers, friends, random students, didn't matter and with all the talking a slight British tone was mixed in his Australian English. His life in Australia rarely came up and if it did, he made a joke about British convicts and changed the subject and it was ok. However, this anger with God always tore inside him, like a pair of jaws gnawing on his heart.

But then one day after almost five months in England, he woke up after a strange dream, he threw on some clothes and hurried to the church. On the way there he took some deep breaths, it was sensational when the air reached his lungs. He wasn't fine, it wasn't that everything made since, but his mind felt less dark, it was a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time; honest hope.

When he reached the church he stopped, hesitated, he wanted to tell God that he was no longer mad, that he was ready to once again receive Him, slowly he pushed the door opened. He stepped in and indeed something felt different. He felt safe, as always, but he didn't feel protected, they way he had used to before the anger. There were candles lighting up the chapel, pictures of saints surrounded him, soft organ playing could be heard, but besides him the room was empty. He looked up at the crucifix hanging on the wall, the big one on which Jesus was already dead and there was something peaceful over dead body's features. Robert closed his eyes in prayer and then . . . nothing, no God listening to what his heart had to say, no soft welcoming arms of Jesus Christ embraced him, he was still all alone, empty, lonely.

"No, no, no" this could not be, not now when he finally had come over his grudge, why wasn't God there so he could forgive Him? Why didn't He answer? Robert got mad again and then scared, suddenly the room felt so dark and the walls seemed to be moving. A cold wind made him shiver, panic crept upon him and got a grip around his throat that threatened to suffocate him. He needed to get out, he ran, ran down the aisle and out through the door, still hearing the organ playing.

-

Three hours later Professor Harlow knocked on Robert's door after he had heard some students talking about 'Chase's mental breakdown'. When no one answered, Harlow opened the door and saw Robert wandering back and forward in the small room rambling something over and over.

"Whether or not it is strong and pure . . . fire tests gold and purifies it . . . remains strong after being tested . . . much praise and glory and honor on the day of His return."

"Chase?" But Robert didn't answer, hardly acknowledged the man, just continued to ramble.

"Chase!" Robert stopped in the middle of a movement and with bewildered eyes he stared at his professor. Father Harrison would have taken the boy in his arms, trying to console him, Matthew would have tried to make him calm down, Hannah would have smiled lightly and put a comforting hand against his cheek, and his father, who knows, his mother, banned. Professor Harlow on the other hand didn't see a lost boy, a hurt friend or a son, he saw a young man about to lose it, and so he walked into the room, pushed the young man down on the bed and sat down next to him.

"Pull yourself together! Explain" he commanded.

"I went to the chapel . . . He wasn't there" Robert's eyes started to wander the walls

"Who wasn't there?" Harlow asked calmly and then followed Robert's gaze to a painting of Moses and the burning bush. "Ah, I see . . . And, now what?"

Robert tore the gaze of the painting, remember it hanging in his room at home and his mum telling him about the moment Moses had come so close to God, the exact opposite of his own situation. Oh my, he had really let everyone down, hadn't he? "I can't stay here"

Harlow sighed "We all have doubts now and then, it's only natural, no reason to make such a scene. You know your classmates are talking about it?" When Robert didn't answer Harlow continued "Of course, no one is forcing you to stay, but it would be a great loss for the school, losing someone so promising."

"This was sort of my last effort and if I can't manage it here . . . Father Harrison . . ."

"Father Harrison seems to have a lot of impact on your life" 'maybe too much' the man added in his mind. "Consider it all, Chase, before you make any decisions and remember that in reality there are no rights or wrongs written in stone. Make the decision that you consider is the right one for you" Harlow patted the young man's knee and then left the room and soon Robert fell back on the bed fast asleep.

The next day Robert informed his professor that he was leaving. Robert didn't quite know how to say good bye, his relationship with his professor had been of mutual respect rather than friendship, but he would miss the man, he really would. Therefore he felt grateful when Harlow rose from behind his desk, walked over to him and placed his hand on Robert's shoulder.

"I'll miss you, Chase, you're one of those students I will remember till the day I retire, then I will forget the lot of you" the men laughed together "But seriously, take care and promise me one thing"

"That I'll write?" Harlow smiled.

"If you want to, but it was something else. Promise me you'll take a break. You had those friends in Sydney, right? Go see them, be the most self-indulgent man in Australia, do whatever you want to do and if you somewhere discover what you want, then go for it! And then send me an e-mail and tell me all about it" he gave the young man a hug "promise me"

"I promise" Harlow sat down again behind his desk and started correcting papers. Robert made an attempt to leave when Harlow started talking again without looking up from the papers.

"Chase, it is possible that God is keeping His distance to let you form your own road, show you that there are other ways to serve Him than to become a priest. Then one day, when you've created your own road you'll feel His presence. Just remember until that happens, He is still there" then he finally looked up "Don't forget to close the door on your way out"

Robert tried to take the older man's words to his heart, but it was hard. He needed God, always, needed guidance. And so he went to visit Matthew and Antonia, just for a while, just so that he had time to figure out what to do.

* * *

They welcomed him with open arms of course and almost immediately Matthew noticed the small British accent that occasionally could be heard in Robert's voice, it would be a joke for years to come. Antonia was a little mad with him for 'being a stranger' during the last five months, Matthew on the other hand said it just gave then more things to talk about, although his was a little perplexed.

But they started talking and it was back to normal. Antonia had gotten a job at a magazine, a magazine for ten year old girls, but it was a start. Matthew was still struggling at Sydney Med and Robert saw as much of him as he had during his last visit. But the times they had was even better than before, now that Matthew knew everything and Robert suspected that Antonia knew more than he had told her himself. Robert told them about his classes, professors and fellow students and he learned that Hannah had joined an exchange program with a university in Germany and would be gone for a year.

There were other things he wanted to talk about, but not with Antonia. Fortunately Antonia, now when she had forgiven him completely for Hannah, was more than willing to give Robert and Matthew some time alone.

They talked about his doubts, the emptiness he felt inside, Father Harrison and Professor Harlow and about Hannah in Germany. He told Matthew that he now would have to look for something completely new and different, that he wanted a fresh start. Sure, losing the church was like losing his family, but he couldn't go back becoming a priest if God wasn't with him. Matthew felt sorry for his friend and tried to comfort him, but he wasn't too worried.

"You will be fine, Robert! I think this will be good for you. I get the whole losing your church family, but you know, we're considering you family, you're like a brother to me . . . Speaking of families, are you going to see your dad?" Robert shook his head, it stung that Matthew still had contact with Rowan. But his friend insisted

"Come on, he's your father and ok, maybe not the father of the year, but . . ."

"You know what, he can be your professor and tutor and whatever, after all he's 'such a great doctor', as a dad on the other hand, not so good. And you know that. I can't believe you would ask me to forgive him" in Robert's heated voice there was no trace of British English, just pure Australian rage. Matthew almost took a step back.

"Ok, ok, it's just that, well, do you really think your mother would have wanted you to go on with this grudge? After all the man is the only one you have left" he tried, not wanting to reveal the pictures of Robert he had seen in Rowan's office or the fact that Rowan always smoothly directed their conversations to be about how his son was doing and what he was up to. Rowan had been quite low since Matthew had told him that Robert's seminary had sent him to a school in London and that he didn't hear much from him.

Robert just stared at his supposedly best friend and 'brother' "That was low, Matthew – and just a second ago you said _you_ were my family"

"And we are, but that man is your dad and that should count for something . . . I don't say forgive him, I say go see him, talk to him. If nothing else it will give you a clean break to this fresh start you're planning. Can't make a new future without facing the past, right?"

Robert muttered something under his breath and then let the conversation slide to something else and Matthew didn't mention Rowan again, even though he did tell Rowan that Robert was back and that he had left the seminary, but seemed fine. Rowan had let out a relieved sigh and then continued to discuss Matthew's paper.

Rowan's son on the other hand, followed his professor's advice and only listened to his own needs and wants. He took long walks, went diving and swimming, read books he had always wanted to read but had never had the time, he let Antonia set him up with her friends and he started dating.

Alexandra who wanted to learn how to dive and loved to hear him play the guitar, Amanda who was from France and had come to Australia to study architecture, Emma who suggested he would try modelling (he only met her once), the list went on and on, nothing serious and never true love. He continued his very busy lifestyle for two months, filling the void. But then he thought that he couldn't occupy Antonia's flower patterned couch any longer and that maybe he should figure out what to do. Maybe social work, volunteer, Antonia always said he had a way with people and maybe he could make a difference, maybe change someone's situation, someone like . . .

But he still had a thorn in his side, like an irritating fly, Rowan seemed to invade his thoughts as soon as he approached a hospital, then pharmacies and then even book stores. He mentioned this to Matthew who instantly took it as proof of his earlier point, but didn't say anything just asked him what he would do.

"I guess I have to deal with it. I don't want to go around thinking about him all the time" even though he preferred thoughts of Rowan over thoughts of his mother, he had still not visited her grave.

"Any plans on _how_ to deal with it?" Matthew asked and the two young men looked at each other, a small silent struggle took place and ended with Robert sending Matthew a glare, who was looking smug knowing he had won.

"Ok, I'll call him tomorrow" Robert reluctantly announced.

_Reviews are great_

_xoxo_


	14. Chapter 14

_Hope you haven't given up on me ^^_

-

Eight months since his mother's funeral, eight months since he had seen his father and the first time Robert would visit his father and his stepmother in their home. After a lot of nagging from Matthew and a lot of support from Antonia he had finally called and when his stepmother Caroline Chase answered she was overjoyed hearing from him and before he had even mentioned his errand she had invited him to come and visit. He had never met her in person, but she sounded nice, she had even offered that they would pay for the train ticket if he didn't feel like driving all the way. He politely told her that he could buy his own ticket, receiving a disapproving glare from Matthew.

But to Robert money was no problem. Selling most of his old home, including the house, had given him plenty. What hadn't been sold had been placed in a rented storage room in Sydney, the car was in a garage near Matthew and Antonia's home and the monthly check from Rowan had not stopped coming after Victoria's death.

Of course during his stay Robert had paid his fair share of food and rent and he had lived like 'the most self indulgent man in Australia', but still he never had to worry. So why would he let them pay his train ticket?

-

When he arrived at the station Rowan was there to pick him up. There were no hugging or big smiles, Robert kept his bag hanging on his shoulder, he would not let Rowan carry it. They made small talk and to Rowan's grief and Robert's shallow satisfaction, they were closer to strangers than barely estranged.

"So, how've you been?" Rowan asked his son unsure of what he should talk about.

"Well, as you can expect I suppose. Thank you for taking the time to pick me up." Robert's tone was cold, almost malicious. Rowan chose to ignore it or didn't hear it, whichever.

"No problem, it's not very far. Caroline is making us dinner."

"Great" Robert answered, mostly to the air and then followed Rowan to the parked car.

The drive was a silent one, but it was, as Rowan had promised, quite short. Soon a big blue house surrounded by a beautiful garden appeared and Rowan parked on its driveway. Robert followed Rowan into the house where he for the first time met Rowan's second wife Caroline. She wasn't the model beauty his mother had been, but she had a sweet charm with her curly brown hair and gentle smile. Her eyes were green and she was dressed in a red blouse and a black pencil skirt. She didn't try to hug him, just smiled and asked him if he would like to see his room. Rowan was just about to add something when his cell went off and he disappeared into his office.

"No change there" Robert thought as he followed Caroline upstairs as he promised himself he would never consider this woman as anything near the term of stepmum.

The room consisted of a rather big bed, a desk with a comfy chair, a wardrobe and a bookshelf. On the floor there was a blue carpet and through the window, which had curtains in the same colour as the carpet and bedcover, you could see the garden and a swimming pool. It reminded him of his childhood and he quickly decided that he wouldn't spend much time there.

"Nice guest-room" Robert complimented with his neutral voice, knowing he had to say something.

"Thank you. I guess you want to unpack before dinner."

"That's ok, I just brought clothes for the weekend, it's not much."

"Then I guess you're hungry, dinner will be on the table in ten minute."

Fifteen minutes later Robert was sitting at the table in the dining room, waiting for the other two, when he heard their voices in the hall. Rowan tried to explain to Caroline that he was sorry, but they needed him at the hospital, there had been an emergency. To Robert's surprise, his stepmother didn't complain that she would be left alone with a stepson she had never met, but scold Rowan for leaving when the son he so rarely saw was there to visit them. "Like she cares" he thought bitterly. Rowan however, just promised that he would try to come back as soon as possible, kissed his wife and went out the door.

Great, absolutely great! How on earth was he supposed to make a clean break with his father when the man couldn't bother to stay with him for more than an hour? Instead he was trapped with Caroline who soon entered the dining room and tried to make conversation with her oh so lovely manners.

"Like the room?" She asked as she offered him a piece of meat pie.

"Yeah, it's lovely" he said with no enthusiasm. He had already decided that he hated it, that he would never like it, not one bit. To hell with what Matthew thought.

"I didn't know how you wanted it or how often you would live here, but . . ."

"I won't stay here so much that I'll need a room of my own."Robert said repelling the very thought of ever 'living' there.

"Oh, ok, but, you know I've got a daughter Sophie. She doesn't live here that much but she says that when she does it's good to have a room, that even if it sometimes is used as a guest room still is her room when she's here. I don't mean you have to be here very often, but of course as often as you like, I just thought that maybe . . ."

"I'm a grown-up, I have my own place, it's okay, really." For the moment he'd forgotten that his 'own place' was a couch at his friends'. Of course Caroline didn't need to know that.

"But this is your father's home and it wouldn't be any trouble. Maybe 'own room' is a strong term, but the room Sophie uses for example; she told me what colour she wanted, sort of carpet, that sort of things, not that it would be 'your room' as you had when you were younger." She realized she was babbling. "How's your meal?"

"It's great; you're a really great cook." That was the first honest thing he'd said to her that evening, but for some reason her great cooking skills didn't make him like her more. His mother had never been much of a cook.

"Maybe if dad had encouraged her" he thought sullenly, ignoring the fact that his mother had had at least one good reason to offer a home cooked meal every once in a while, even after his father had left.

"Thank you; I've been so nervous", Caroline said and chuckled a little. "So, Rowan says you considering taking some courses at a medical school . . . and that you would be very good. I wanted to go to med-school when I was younger but I guess I didn't have it in me. You must be really smart, just like your father." She smiled at him, he didn't smile back.

"I haven't considered med school."

"Oh, maybe I misunderstood." She looked down at her hands, took a breath, before once again looking up at him asking him if he would like some more to eat.

-

And so it went on through the whole dinner. Caroline talked and Robert only gave short replies when she asked him direct questions. He knew he was being rude and didn't make much of a good first impression, but he couldn't help himself. He couldn't stop comparing Caroline with his mother. Had his father fled from his beautiful (and yes, alcoholic) wife and son to be with this mediocre cooking little housewife? The thoughts were unfair, his father met Caroline after the divorce, but frankly, Robert didn't care. Still Caroline remained nice, kind and cheerful. But when they had sat down for coffee in the living-room around ten o'clock and Rowan was still not home, Robert interrupted Caroline as she was in the middle of telling him about one time she saw a shark. He put down his cup of coffee and looked her straight in the eye for the first time that evening.

"Why are you so nice to me?" the question made Caroline look utterly confused. She put down her cup attentively making sure it landed on a coaster and not on the bare table.

"Pardon?" and there was that overly nice smile once again.

"You've been nice all evening and I've been quiet and frankly almost rude. Why would you take that from a twenty year old that you don't even know?"

"Well, eh, you're Rowan's son and I, well, I thought I should get to know you" She stared at the carpet for a second "want something?"

"No . . . thanks." He answered not really sure if she was talking about coffee or something else. They sat there in silence for a minute without looking at each other. Suddenly Caroline started to talk. She was still not looking at him, but her cheerful voice had been replaced by a more serious one. She didn't sound mad, just serious and she had dropped the smile.

"Robert, I don't want to be 'the evil stepmother'. Actually a stepmother is probably the last thing you think you need right now and with everything you must have been going through . . . But I don't want to be just 'dad's new wife', you're a part of Rowan's life that I would like to know. If you don't want us to be friends, that's fine, sad, but fine, I won't push it. But now it seems like you have decided that you don't like me without even knowing me."

Robert was thinking it over before answering. "I don't 'don't like' you. You're nice, you offer me my own room, my father disappears and you're still nice. You seem to be a great person, really."

"Then what's . . ." She was interrupted by her stepson who could no longer sit still, but rose and started to ramble the living-room.

"I don't want to play happy perfect family with you. And this "part of Rowan's life" that you're talking about. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not that big of a part of his life. I'm not going to pretend that these last five years didn't happen and I'm not just going to forget that my father just ignored me and my mother, while she drunk herself to death and you, you. . ." Robert voice was almost at yell-point and he had risen and walked quite close to his stepmother, but a stern voice made him stop in the middle of a movement.

"Calm down before you say something you'll regret" Robert looked up and met his father's gray eyes. Robert held the gaze for a second before he rushed out the door and up to the blue guest room.

Caroline rose from her chair to greet her husband. "I think he had a little bit too much wine" She tried to excuse her stepson, blaming herself for upsetting him, before she kissed Rowan.

"You should go up and see if he's ok." She continued.

"He's twenty . . . If anything he should come back here and apologize"

"Even though he is twenty, it's been a lot for him. Go up and talk to him, father to son" she urged.

-

Rowan felt unease as he walked towards the room he knew his wife had prepared for his son. Even though he had tried to explain the situation to Caroline, she hadn't grasped it entirely, had not wanted to understand how a parent and child could become strangers to each other. Caroline herself had a wonderful relationship with her daughter even though Sophie was nineteen and spent most of her breaks at her father's farm.

Rowan's steps got heavier as he approached the door. There he stopped and listened, it was silent, he could not hear the smothered tears of anger and grief, could not see the boy sitting on the bed listening to the footsteps on the other side of the door. Rowan's hand reached for the handle, but before he touched it he turned around and walked away. He had no right invading the young man's privacy and no matter how renowned the doctor was the father had no idea what to do if he would have opened the door.

Robert could see the shadow disappear, heard the shoes walk away and felt how the tears kept running down his cheeks.

"Is he ok?" Caroline asked Rowan as her husband went to bed, not knowing that instead of talking to his son Rowan had spent the last half an hour in the garden.

"He's a bit . . . confused, upset, but he will be alright, will be, fine. I just wish there was something I could do for him"

"Oh, you'll think of something, you always do" Caroline mumbled before drifting off to sleep. Rowan on the other spent the night thinking; How could he help his son? He tried not to think of how many times that thought had crossed his mind without him acting on it. What good would it do if he spent the night thinking of all the things he could, maybe should have done for the boy and the woman he always tried very hard not to think of. However he promised himself to just look forward, do everything he could for the boy.

"Let's see, what is the best way I can help Robert?"

* * *

_This was actually one of the first pieces I wrote for this story, hope you liked it :)_


	15. Chapter 15

_Hello everyone and thank you for still reading_

'

Robert was mad with himself. Why had he acted so childish? What did he care about Rowan or Caroline? He was there to make a clean break with Rowan and Caroline had nothing to do with that. He decided to apologize at breakfast the next morning. Rowan had left for the hospital, even though it was a Saturday, so Robert and Caroline were alone which made it a bit easier.

"So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry and I hope you forgive me" he spoke fast wanting to get it over with as quick as possible.

"There is nothing for me to forgive, Robert. I know there's been a lot for you, with your mother and your father, but now you can . . ."

"I actually came here to, settle some things with him, but maybe I should talk to you too, all the presents, and letters, those were all you, weren't they?"

"From both of us, but your father is a very busy man" Robert didn't want to start another argument so he held his tongue. "So what do you want to do today?"

Robert couldn't help himself, was she for real? Didn't she hear that he was angry and wanted nothing to do with them? "Why? Are you going to offer to bring me to the zoo?"

Caroline ignored his sarcastic tone "Actually I was thinking maybe a museum? A cup of coffee at a café? Shopping?"

"You don't have to" she really tried to be nice to him and frankly he didn't quite get why.

"I want to"

* * *

Through the day Robert tried to be civil, he owed her that much. Caroline dragged him to museums and churches, showed him where she had heard that young people partied and her favourite stores. He let her give him tips and advices, but drew the line when she wanted to buy him a sweater. Robert realized she tried to be his friend, but what was the point? The next day he would leave and preferably end all contact with them, even though it would perhaps be on better terms than he had expected.

Caroline was driving and even through the car window she pointed out places where friends had their houses, restaurants where they had eaten and even places her daughter liked to visit, anything to save them from silence. Robert sat next to her, nodded when it was appropriate, asked polite questions here and there and wondered when Caroline would turn on the radio. Since they were on the high way he figured they were going back to the house, until he realized that it was the wrong way, and that they were actually heading . . .

"Where are we going?" But he knew where and he started sweating, Caroline wouldn't answer. Soon they passed the high gates, saw the church approaching. Caroline parked the car and for a moment Robert contemplated not getting out, but Caroline opened the door for him, so he guessed he had to leave the car.

He followed her through the beautiful surroundings, the way lined with flowers and bushes relentlessly bringing him closer. Now he realized why Caroline had bought the flowers, white and pink roses. He looked the direction where he knew he would see the stone and for a second he thought he was hallucinating. Because over there, right before his mother's grave, he could see his father's grand posture.

"He comes here about once a month, makes sure that she has flowers, sometimes talks to her, just like . . ." She had been about to say that 'just like he talks to his pictures of you', but no. It was one thing to talk to the gravestone of your dead ex-wife and a totally different matter to talk to pictures of your son when you could and should talk to your very much alive son.

Robert had hardly noticed the interruption, did just continue starring at his father. "You knew he would be here?"

"Of course" Caroline put a hand on his shoulder and gave him the flowers "I'll take a walk."

Robert approached his father with the roses, Rowan immediately looked up and took a step back from the grave. Robert put down the flowers in prepared vase that already contained white lilies. "This is the first time I'm here . . . I should have done this a long time ago"

His father looked at him "We should have done this a long time ago." He sighed "I know we haven't, you know, but maybe there can be peace between us, huh? You're my son, Robert" Rowan asked and put his arms around the boy. Robert leaned into the hug, he had longed for recognition, this very moment, but that had been before, he had thought that he was over that, apparently he had been wrong. And Matthew was right, his father was all that he had left.

They stood by the grave for another fifteen minutes, until Caroline returned and on their way back to the house Robert accepted the offer to stay the week.

* * *

A couple of days later, Rowan and Caroline were eating breakfast while waiting for Robert to wake up. The last couple of days had been nice, they were three people trying to get along as a family and managed it rather well. Rowan was more than pleased, Caroline was overjoyed and Robert felt the absence of God and his mother a little bit easier to carry now than before. With Caroline's kind offer of friendship and his dad's honest attempt to act as a father he felt like he really belonged there, in the big house and in his blue room.

"I'm so glad that he is here, maybe I could call Sophie and gather the whole family" Caroline suggested, she'd had the dream of 'the whole family' sine she first heard that Rowan had a son.

Rowan smiled over the newspaper. "Yeah, thank God he decided to leave that convent."

"It wasn't a convent, it was a seminary. He wanted to become a priest, not a monk." Caroline corrected him and refilled her cup of tea.

"Well, same thing, isn't it? No sex and a total waste of all that talent." Rowan stated studying an article about a Russian that had broken the duration record in space – over a year!

"Rowan!" Caroline scolded her husband taking the newspaper from him.

"My paper! And what is it to you, anyway? You're not a catholic." Rowan reached for his paper and listened to his wife with only one ear while he picked up where he had left off.

"No, but your son is and you should respect that."

"Yeah, I know . . . He is a very bright boy though." Rowan said half to himself and Caroline nodded in honest agreement. "Would be a shame to waste that kind of intelligence . . ."

Caroline studied him cautiously, knowing her husband's habit of always knowing what was best for people. "Why? Rowan, what did you do?"

"Nothing, just made some phone calls." But the self-satisfied smile gave him away and Caroline's stern gaze forced him to confess. "Just some old friends at the university."

"That wouldn't be Sydney Med by any chance? Rowan, you do realize that Robert is twenty and capable of making his own decisions."

"Caroline, Robert hasn't had an easy time, and I'm partly to blame for that. This is my chance to fix it, at least make something nice for him. And this is what's best for him right now, trust me . . . Of course I will talk to him about it . . . as soon as he comes down for breakfast"

Caroline shook her head thinking Rowan wanted too much too quickly and remembered Robert's reaction when she had thought he would study medicine. How would Robert react when he heard about his father's plans for him?

She therefore excused herself when Robert entered the room, feeling that the conversation that would take place would be better without her. But she felt a little bit guilty when she heard the loud voices arguing in the kitchen, though she didn't quite know with who she would have sided.

'

"I'm not going to med school!" Robert said for the third time.

"And what are you going to do instead? Just lying around, wasting your time?" Rowan asked, irritated that his son couldn't see what was clearly best for him.

"I told you: I want to do some social work, help people, while figuring out what I want to do." Robert tried to reason with his father.

"Sounds as a waste of time to me, better you go to med school while 'figuring out' what you want to do." No one could say that Rowan Chase didn't know how to compromise.

"But I don't know if that's what I want to do."

"So while you figuring out what you're going to do, you can't actually do anything?" Rowan asked, his voice overflowing with irony.

"I'm going to help people."

"You don't consider healing the sick as helping people?"

"Not that kind of help. Social work . . ."

"Is a waste of time! Just like that seminary!" Rowan would never admit that the main reason he hated the very thought of his son being at the seminary was that it had been that priest from his former community that had suggested it. Robert was _his _son and if he would follow anyone's footstep it should be the ones of his father's. Besides, Rowan hadn't really forgiven Father Harrison yet for poisoning the neighbourhood's mind and turned them against him, in the end he couldn't even drive through his old neighbourhood without someone looking strange at him. He also knew that his son had admired the old priest and was therefore sure the next thing out of his son's mouth would be about the man. So he was completely surprised when his boy shouted:

"It will help people like mum!" Robert shut his mouth, regretting the word as soon as they had left his mouth.

Rowan was stunned for a while before responding much more calm voice. "So that is what this is about, then? Your mother?" When Robert didn't respond he sighed and continued "Rob, I know it's hard . . ."

"You don't know anything" Robert said with an ice cool voice, looking at the floor.

Rowan took a deep breath "Robbie . . . You are a very bright young man, don't waste that. Listen to me, give this a chance, choose whatever specialty you like and you'll see that you'll love it. Trust me, I know."

Robert met his father's stern gaze and realized it was pointless to fight. He knew how it worked. If he ever wanted the slightest chance to have his father within reach he would have to go to med school. It had been the same thing when he was about chose high school and his father had barely shown any interest until he had applied to the school Rowan had liked. Same thing with the football that he had practiced until he turned sixteen, Rowan hadn't shown up for a single game. Although when he quit that and joined the swim team, as Rowan had done during his school years, Rowan came to the contests, at least once.

And wasn't this what he had wanted, to be a child with a parent taking care of him? Well, here was his chance and deep inside him there was a voice that told him to listen to his father. He found it peculiar that the voice reminded him of Father Harrison's. He wondered what Professor Harlow would have said.

His father had been talking, but Robert hadn't heard a word, now he noticed his father's mouth moving "Or are we going to give this a chance?"

Robert nodded "Ok"

"Ok? Wonderful! And don't worry about the financial stuff, I'll . . ." Rowans beeper went off "We'll talk later" and with an apologetic look he disappeared through the front door.

Robert was left alone by the kitchen table.

'

_Hoped you enjoted it, not many chapters left now. xoxo_


	16. Chapter 16

_Hi, everyone! I've had some problem with this story, mostly because I'm not sure when it's going to end. This has led to some dificulties and writer's block. thank you for understanding_

-

"I'm an idiot, I must be a complete moron" Robert declared during lunch to Matthew.

"Ok, and that makes me what? An imbecile? Not even a year and a half and you're already catching up on me. I swear, you're going to finish before I do." Matthew stated and took another bite of his sandwich with ham and cheese, Robert hadn't touched his.

"I honestly thought he gave a damn. I mean when your son gets an award you should be proud, right? I even sent him a copy of the damn paper" he muttered under his breath.

"Maybe he just has a lot to do. His new book just came out, right? He'll call"

"No, Caroline called and she only does that when she thinks he should but knows that he won't. And, of course, when she wants to tell about sweet little Sophie" Robert felt like Caroline had betrayed him somehow, she hadn't become that friend he had hoped for, more like a kind aunt. And even though that aunt was always nice and called him from time to time, she loved her husband and her own daughter way more. Matthew shook his head, since Robert had come back from his father's that week-end it had been clear that the 'Chase family' was a lost cause. Antonia had more or less forbidden him to see Rowan outside the class room and Robert slept on their couch more often than he slept in his own bed.

"I see, too bad . . . but hey, how did it go with that girl? You went back to your place?" Matthew asked referring to the gorgeous brunette Robert had met the night before.

"Pretty good, she's beautiful, the dinner was great and it took a whole hour before she asked anything about dad. We split up outside the restaurant."

"Well, your dad is a famous doctor and you're dating med students"

"Who else would understand the strange hours you have to pick for your dates? Or how much we have to study? You're lucky you're married"

"I sure am" Matthew smiled at his friend happy that they went to the same school and had been so for the last 15 months. It made it so much easier to stay in touch, and see each other on a regular basis. Even though Robert complained about his father pressuring him, Matthew had to agree with Rowan (even if he wouldn't out loud), Med School suited Robert. But Matthew shut up, never trying to push Robert in Rowan's direction and was grateful that his own parents had been satisfied with his way of life since he'd married Antonia.

"By the way Antonia wonders if you want to come home to us for dinner tonight"

"I don't know, I've got a test tomorrow"

"So do I, but we still have to eat, right? Come on, she hasn't seen you in weeks and you can sleep on the couch. It's formed after you anyway" he joked and tasted his friend's sandwich.

* * *

"Robert" Antonia threw her arms around him and he almost dropped the bottle of wine.

"Nice to see you too, Antonia. Hi Matthew!" he greeted his friend by the stove.

"Robert, you are most welcomed and if you'll compliment my cooking I welcome you even more"

"Come on, Matty, you know I can't lie." They all laughed and Antonia went to open up the bottle. Robert sat down at the table and started to talk about the life at med school.

"Matthew tells me you're doing great. I'll bet you're even better than the renowned rheumatologist Dr. Chase" Antonia did not possess Matthew's forgiving mind and ever since she had found out about Robert's childhood she had decided that Rowan Chase was no friend of hers.

"You are far too kind, Antonia" Robert thanked her.

"Kind? I'm not kind, just ask my readers. Reviewing books and movies can be so much fun, much better than writing about 'ten ways to curly hair', and there's no room for kindness" she joked. "Oh, by the way, Matthew did give you that letter? Who was it that didn't know you have your own place now?"

"Father Harrison, he just wanted to see how everything was, telling me that the community misses me, misses us and that he's praying for me" Robert's voice diminish at the thought of Father Harrison praying for him to God, when God . . .

Matthew saw his friend disappear in thoughts and looked at Antonia, silently pleading her to quickly change the subject.

"Well, that's nice of him. Have you heard anything from your other priest, eh, professor, Harlow, was it?" As a reward for her effort, she received a smile from Robert.

"Yeah, I emailed him the other week, telling him about, well, everything really. I was surprised he managed to read it and respond within the day."

"And what did he say?"

"Well, he wrote an essay twice as long as my email. But among other things that he's glad that the road making is going well and he wished me good luck with all my future ethical dilemmas, both the ones I have to make as a doctor and the important ones" Robert laughed quietly at his professors words and continued. "And apparently he's thinking of coming back . . . speaking of coming back, any word from Hannah?"

Antonia shot Matthew a glance before answering. "She's still in Germany, she's grown quite attached to it . . . she just moved in with him" at the sight of Robert's surprised face she turned to Matthew "I thought I told you to tell him"

"I was waiting for the right moment" Robert decided to interrupt before his friends started fighting.

"A guy? It's ok, of course she would meet someone. They've been going out for long?"

"Robert, I didn't ask Matthew to tell you that Hannah's got a new boyfriend. I asked him to tell you that she's engaged."

* * *

"Ok, that was Amazing!" the girl next to him in bed put her hand on his naked chest. "I figured you would be good with anatomy"

Great, another lame joke about him being a med student, he was slowly getting tired of them. Viviane was smart, but not half as witty as she thought. She was a former med student that he had met in the beginning of his time at Sydney Med and had dropped out a few months later. She had told him it was because she had changed her mind, that she rather wanted to become a lawyer than a doctor, but the rumour said otherwise.

Viviane Green had two months before she quit broke up with her boyfriend Fredrik. He had later that evening gone to a bar, gotten himself drunk and had decided to drive home. The truck driver never had a chance to stop. Ever since, everyone felt sorry for poor miserable Fredrik and Viviane was called the black widow of Sydney Med and people started to avoid her. Later it also came out that she had been cheating on Fredrik with one of their professors. Both the professor and Viviane denied it, but that didn't help and soon it had become impossible for Viviane to continue.

Robert had run into her on a night out, they had started talking and soon ended up in her bed. They had now been dating for a few weeks with secret meetings that often took place in either part's bedroom. Still they talked a lot, they had both had their share of misery and before, or after or at breakfast Robert liked to talk to her.

"Do you know why I like you so much?" he asked as she went up of bed and started to get dressed. She had a job interview in less than an hour.

"Oh, there are so many reasons to like me, I wouldn't know where to begin. Because I'm charming, good in bed, here and not in Germany. Oh, by the way, can you tell your friend that next time he wants to lecture me about leaving good boys alone, it's kind of tacky to start talking about the boy's ex."

"I can't believe Matthew sometimes. I'm sorry, he's just trying to look after me"

"Tell me about it, he practically wanted to bite my head off. I know you have a jerk of a dad and a mum six feet under, but I don't hear you wine about it, unless you're really drunk" she said as she crept under the bed looking for her skirt. "So that girl, the 'love of your life', was she pretty?"

"I broke up with her and she moved to Germany and now she's engaged to some German guy who apparently is an expert on the Mariana Trench" Viviane answered him from under the bed.

"According to your pal, that breakup was the biggest mistake of your life, that you weren't yourself, still aren't and now you're doing another stupid mistake, namely me, because you're heartbroken over this girl's engagement. Ah, there it is!"

"So what does he expect me to do? Fly over to Germany and stop her?" he handed Viviane her cardigan from the nightstand.

"Sounds very romantic, and stupid. Why would she leave a German expert that she's ready to marry to date the guy who broke her heart?" she sat down on the bed, fully dressed and ready to go. She took his hands in her own and looked into his eyes.

"You're a good guy, Rob, and smart, smart enough to understand that it isn't a very good world. Look at me, Fredrik made the idiotic decision to drive drunk, he could have killed someone, but who do people blame? And every time we meet you talk about your mum, or dad and professors and priests and whatever, all those people that tries to control you. I don't know what you think, but I think that we understand each other"

Robert sat up "So do I. Viviane, what we have, it's nice and all, but"

"But not a 'love of your life' thing, I know. But maybe this is as good as it gets, two people who can talk and have great sex . . . I know this was only suppose to be casual, but would you like to try it for real?"

"I-I guess we could try and see" Viviane didn't let him finish.

"Great! I prepared a draw for you in the bureau. God, look at the time, I really have to go. See you later!" she kissed him and hurried out of the door, leaving Robert in the bed wondering what on earth had just happened.

_Thank you for reading! Any comments or wishes for how far this story shall continue?_


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